What the Heck is Going On (Part 2)

So when I first started writing “What the Heck is Going On?” it was because of my utter confusion over what was taking place in my life in Germany…the utter confusion has not ceased...

I guess it had felt like so many things came together for me to be able to get to Germany, that I thought for sure God was doing something to work it out for me to stay there. Or at least to stay in Europe and play basketball. There was so much thought and prayer and emotion put into the decision, I sought counsel from so many different people and I had been given not only a green light but a blessing from my boss…it just seemed like everything was heading to some positive climax.

When I packed to leave for Germany, I packed to leave for the season. I did not know whether I’d be able to come home for Christmas, but I figured even if I could it would only be a visit…Then I lost the coaching job…then I hurt my ankle…I couldn’t understand what was happening, what was God doing?

I got the email about the Luxembourg team. I thought maybe this was God’s way of taking care of me- of getting me therapy since I had no insurance, but no. I thought maybe this was God’s way of providing a professional job for me, but no. I am not sure exactly what happened with them, but they decided to keep the player I was meant to replace. I wonder how much of it was their (appropriate) worry over me being healthy. Good call on their part because I am still on the mend…

So here I am at home. I wish I could say I know now what God was/is doing, but I can’t. His ways are just as hidden to me, just as perplexing. After finding out the Luxembourg gig was a for sure no go I felt such mixed emotions. I was wanting to just take it in stride and trust God and rejoice in the Lord always…I was in and out of thinking/feeling that way…I was also in and out of utter disappointment, feeling like a failure, and sorry for myself…oh and then there was the guilt over feeling so down about such a small problem when other people have real problems…

A new ray of hope popped up quickly. My dad came home from work, I think the next day, and told me that there was a job opening at the church…I thought this must be God’s answer to my prayer for provision, and something I can do while I heal…Maybe I am meant to just stay here and try the whole bball thing again in the summer…I went and talked with one of the pastors about it and it seemed like everything was good to go…the only thing really that would prevent me from getting the job would be if something came up with basketball in the next few weeks…I started getting myself excited about the job and thinking about how I could work rehab and training in with it and what extra work experience it might give me…But a few days later I found out that there had been some miscommunication over budgeting and the job could not be offered at this time…

The next thing to sorta take some wind out of my sails was going back to the foot doctor…It was meant to be my “final visit”- an appointment made about a month earlier under the assumption that I would be ready to play and heading off to Europe at the start of January…Instead, the doctor expressed concern over the amount of pain I was still in and said it would be best for me to get an MRI (I hadn’t previously, he didn’t think I needed one)…So I got an MRI and while I was thankful that I didn’t have any tears or fractures, I was disappointed to hear that the bone bruises were much worse than he had anticipated and he thought it could be another 4 weeks until I would be able to start running…It was hard to think that if I had just gotten the MRI right away, when I first got back into town, I would have probably gone straight into a walking boot and who knows how much further along I would be now in the healing process?

So that leaves me at this current point. I sent out a bunch of emails and video to some teams in Australia, where the leagues do not start until March…there has been one response of semi-interest…I have also heard about another job that I sent my resume in for…have not heard anything back yet…I was also contacted by a basketball club in Berlin regarding maybe doing some coaching for them- I have no idea at this point if it is something I can do and still play at ASV and also make enough to live on…I am still waiting to hear back…

I really do not know what this is all meant to be. I am praying about it constantly, and again, as I had to do when I was laying on my back on the floor during the game I hurt my foot, I am constantly making a decision to not freak out about it and to just see what happens. I am asking God for healing, I am asking God for direction, I am asking God for the grace to be patient and to have His strength and not be a little whiner…I am looking for the bright spots- of which there really are some big ones. I am so thankful for this time with my family. I am so thankful to be with my parents again and to see Megan, Brian, and the kiddos. I am thankful for time to read and to think…

The battle is for me to look back on those two and a half months in Berlin and wonder, what was going on? What was that all about? I have already described this feeling many times, but it really is how I feel- I feel like I was getting ready for a great adventure, like I got on the airplane and we never quite got off the ground…I had written previously that I struggled while in Germany to define my experience, and I find it equally, if not more, difficult now. It just feels so unfinished. But that may only be due to the expectations that I had. I have no idea what God’s storyline looks like, how maybe I was a minor character in some plot He was working out for someone else. I have no idea how He may re-introduce me to the story later. I have no idea how the plot of my life will unfold for the next chapter.

So for now I keep waiting, trying to make the most of the present, trying to be calm even when I don’t know what the heck is going on. I’m also trying to brainstorm for what I can do next…it seems that in the next couple of weeks I will know whether or not there is any real possibility of going to Australia, which my hunch is that there is not. Maybe there will be an opportunity to return to Berlin with this new coaching gig…Maybe I need to just start working here in Phoenix…Maybe I should return to school at last…If I stay here I have some ideas for doing some volunteer work…One thing I know is my God is for me and I will keep choosing to trust…