Life on a Napkin

Well…it has been a little while since I blogged. No surprise there. I guess there are so many things to say and so little to say all at the same time. I could write more of events and little stories that have happened here, but instead here are some of my musings… Here is something I wrote the other day, on a napkin in the train:

(I had a fit of inspiration and ran into the bakery near the train stop to grab napkins for paper before running to jump on my train into town)…

(Every story is better with pictures right? So here's the napkin...deciphering it later was somewhat challenging...)

“Last night once again I was walking home in the dark. There are always parts of the path that are light and parts that are not, but a street light must’ve gone out that night bc there was a stretch of darkness that was much longer and darker than usual. “This is my life,” I thought “I literally cannot see the step in front of me, but I have to take it. I am choosing to trust God to get me home unscathed.”
In life there are times where we feel we are under the lamp light- the way seems clear, the path sure, and we go merrily and confidently on our way without much thought…But then we have those other moments where every step feels unsure, we don’t know where our foot will land or whether we will hit flat ground or a pothole.
As I contemplated how to navigate through the darkness another thought hit me- darkness this black is always good for something- I looked up and sure enough, a million stars were shining in their beautiful constellations.

Talk about a confidence boost. The creator of all of that is also planning my life. I began to converse with Him, as I often do on this walk, whispering out loud the details of my life that seem to need clarity, provision, encouragement, strength- not so much because I think the Creator doesn’t know them, but more so to just get it off my chest before Him.

It seems that God, in making us in His image, did not neglect giving us a desire to plan. I find this interesting (okay and honestly, annoying). He lets us plan ad we have a desire to plan and the freedom to plan, but ultimately He does the planning and He makes us wait on Him. Another thought is how God is a communicator, but it feels like so often He limits His communication. I know, I know. Right now You are telling me, “that is so we learn to trust Him.” I get it. I just find it interesting that in all of our relationships we pound home the importance of communication, saying things like “we can’t read minds!” This is exactly what frustrates me with people, when I feel like they won’t just tell me what they are thinking, and I have carried this over to how I respond to God. I want Him to just tell me everything on His mind, because I am having such a hard time trying to read it. “

My napkin journal ended there. But this strain of thinking has continued all week. This morning I just got on my knees again and told God I want to do whatever He wants. I asked Him to show me His hand in what currently feels like limbo to me. I literally pictured myself yesterday, as though trapped in an hour glass that has been turned on its side. I think I am definitely of that brand of person who wants to feel progression. I want to know that I have advanced since the day that I set my foot in Germany. I think it has been hard feeling like the picture of what all this is meant to be is so hazy, how can you measure if you are meeting a goal if you are unsure of what the goal is? I thought when I came that it was to play basketball in the first league. I am not sure if that is my purpose here anymore. As much as I am a verbal person, I want to quantify things. I want to have a list and check things off, to see productivity clearly…

All of this leaves me in a place where I live one day at a time. I know this is a good place to be, but I wrestle with it, a million times a day. There are moments where I submit to the hold and I relax and say I will keep riding this wave and see what happens. Then, as I do so often in the ocean, when I cannot see what is around me beneath the surface of the water, I panic for a moment. I want to know that the ground is still there, and that nothing sinister is coming at me in the water. I want to feel stable, I want to feel secure. But in the ocean, part of the thrill is that you do not know exactly what is coming.

How does this all come full circle? I keep talking it through with the Creator. I keep telling him that although I cannot read His mind I will trust Him and I will enjoy the waves instead of letting fear get a hold of me.

The other night I was talking with my coach on one of our long drives home. We were talking about fear and what scares us. I told him that one of the biggest fears that I have in my life is that I will waste it. I have to trust God even in this, that these days are not purposeless. This morning a new picture came into my head- a Rubic’s cube. I have never solved one of those things, but I am always amazed watching someone do it. It always looks like they make turns and twists that are regressing…you see all these yellow squares coming together then suddenly they “mess it all up”…they go back to each side having multiple colors again...but in the end, those turns that seem to get you nowhere or seem to be steps back, end up solving the puzzle. God is twisting and turning my life, and to me it can seem random. But if He made the stars, then surely my little Rubic’s cube is not a problem...I find solace in His good hands making the turns in my life...



For those of you hoping for a laugh:
The other day on the bus a young mom came and sat next to me with her little baby girl. She heard me on my cell phone asking my friend for clarity on directions and when I got off the phone she asked me if I still needed help finding my way.

Me: (in my head) What?! A stranger spoke to me!?

We continued talking (mostly, SHE continued talking) and of course, she is Serbian. Not German. So the rule that German strangers do not talk still applies.

Anyway…so we are chatting/playing with her baby girl who was beyond adorable and she asks me, “do you have children?”

“Nope” I reply, “no children.”
She is aghast. “How OLD are you?!” (Let’s keep in mind that most people assume I’m a lot younger than I actually am)…I reply with a slightly uncomfortable chuckle, “I am 28.” (Yes, I did have to pause to remember that)…

Serbian Momma: ”And you don’t have CHILDREN?! What? You don’t like children?!”

Me: (a little stunned at how this conversation just turned)“Uh yes, of course I like children! I just don’t have any yet!”

She was mystified.

Adventures in Nauen

So I have so many things I could write about, but I decided to just share one story today. This is a little story about my love-hate relationship with the trains here in Berlin. It is mostly a hate relationship at this point.

Since I have been here there have been numerous times when I have gone to catch a train and the train has been late by more than 15 minutes. Thankfully for me, it is not usually too big of a problem outside of making people wait for me (which of course is frustrating). But the last few days it has been worse than that. Apparently one method of vandalism here is for people to set ‘fire bombs’ that mess with certain trains' power systems. I can not explain it more than that because frankly, I don’t get it. The other night I was coming home on a train around 10:30 PM and our train stopped at a station just one station away from mine and waited there for over half an hour. I found out it was because of this sort of vandalism. It was not too big of a deal, it just didn’t make me the happiest to be walking home at midnight after we finally go to my stop.

Last night however, took the cake. I was in a part of the city called Zehlendorf (not close to Falkensee at all) around 8:30 pm when I started heading home. I was thinking it would have been better if I had left sooner, but thought, oh well, it will still be around 10 pm when I get home...not too late... I got on the Subway no problem and pretty easily found my connecting subway line. Two lines down, just one train ride to go and I was home free. I found the train I always take. The sign said it was arriving on time, I was good to go. I just had to wait maybe 15 minutes. I was cold and tired and eager to get home. I paced back and forth on the platform to try to warm myself up. I laughed at the fact that I was wearing a jacket, two scarves and a beanie AND had my hood on over my head, and this is FALL. Not winter. It was about 34 degrees F outside…to this desert rat, freezing.

The train arrived and I was happy to get on. I sat and looked at my pathetic self in the reflection of the window opposite of me. I had my headphones in with music playing from my phone. I looked down at my phone and thought, maybe I should take a picture of myself right now, to document how pathetic I am in the fall.


Isn't that pathetic?

I looked at my phone and saw that my battery was dying. I decided I had better shut off my music to save some battery juice, just in case. I thought to myself, ‘I am almost home, it is probably fine, you won’t need your phone.’ But then I thought ‘better be safe than sorry.’

Praise God.

The train did not stop in Falkensee. At one point we stopped, I think in a tunnel because I could not see anything out the window, and just waited for about 5 or 10 minutes. Not a good sign, that was what happened last time when there was vandalism. But then the train started up again. I was worried though, ‘will we stop in Falkensee? Why does it feel like we have been riding for so long?’ But the sign inside the train still read that the next stop was Falkensee, and there were no announcements coming on…
Sure enough though, when we finally stopped we were in Nauen. I don’t even know where Nauen is except that it is past my stop. All I knew next was that there was NO ONE at this train station and it was nearly 11 PM….I walked down the stairs to check the train schedule. It said there would be another train coming, but of course up on the platform the signs were either blank or said that the trains were NOT coming.

I walked back downstairs and out of the train stop. The parking lot was mostly dark and I looked at the bus schedules, already knowing that they would have stopped running by now. Yep. I text messaged my coach. Then I looked down, my battery light was definitely yellow. ‘Oh God, please let my battery stay alive! Please don’t leave me stranded out here with no phone!’ The battery sign went back to green…
At this point I don’t remember if I called my coach or he called me, but he let me know he was calling the train co. to see what I should do. I paced, trying to keep warm. I decided I had better try my host family before my battery died. At this point it was probably 1130 PM and I knew they were probably sleeping. I really did not want to call them and wake them up but I really did not know what else to do. I was in some random town late at night and my phone was back to yellow….No answer…I waited a few more minutes and Timur called me back, there would be no trains at all and a bus would not come for two more hours…He told me he would come and get me. He also told me that his phone was dying, I laughed, ‘mine too!’ He told me to switch my phone off for half an hour (his estimation of how long it might take him to get there)…
While I was waiting a bus pulled up and some guys got out, they all went to their bikes or cars and left…At that point I spotted a teenage boy I had seen on my train. I walked over to him, and the conversation followed:
Me: Where are you trying to go?
Teenage Boy: There are no more trains.

Me: Yes I know that, but where are you trying to go?
T.B.: There are no more trains, no trains come.

Me: Yes yes, no trains. (now more slowly) Where…are…you…trying …to…go?

T.B.: Falkensee.
Me: REALLY? How are you getting there?

T.B.: (looking at me like I am the strangest person he has ever met)My father is coming.

Me: (without hesitating)Can I have a ride? (what has overcome me that I would just ask some random dude for a ride? Living in a foreign country changes you)

T.B.: (now looking at me like I have grown an extra head or two) That bus there will go to Falkensee (pointing to a bus parked at the back of the lot with no one in it, lights off)…

Me: (pretending that I am not offended) Oh, okay, thank you!

At this point I wasn’t trusting anyone about the bus except the bus driver. The first bus that had dropped some guys off was still there and there were two drives inside. I assumed one of them must have been for the bus at the back of the lot. I went and paced back and forth in front of the bus, trying to figure out if I should wait for the door to open or go pound on the window. I stuck with the pacing (dumb). Finally the dude opened the door. I walked up, ‘Excuse me, is that bus over there going to Falkensee?’ The dude told me yes, in another ten minutes or so.

I tried to call Timur to let him know he did not have to come after all. I got his voicemail. Shoot…did he turn off his phone to save his battery also?
Decision time…do I hop on the bus and hope that I can reach Timur, risking that he will drive all the way out to Nauen and I am not there? Do I stand here and let the bus take off and hope Timur is not annoyed that a bus came and he still drove all the way to get me? I waited a few minutes and called again. Voicemail. Shooooooooooooot! I heard the bus start up and saw the lights come on…I just stood there…The boy had left by now in his comfy ride with his dad…(wish I could say I hadn't felt ill will towards him as they pulled away)...I was the only person there. Again.
The driver waited a few minutes then he came out and found me, ‘Are you coming to Falkensee?’ I tried explaining to him my situation, I am not sure how much he got. ‘No bus?’ He said back to me….
’No,' I sighed, 'no bus. Thank you though, very much!’ He shrugged and walked away…

My phone literally rang about a minute and a half later. Timur. I answered laughing. ‘Timur, a bus was JUST here going to Falkensee!’
Timur: Oh are you on it??
Me: Nooooooooooo! I couldn’t get a hold of you, I was afraid you were going to drive all the way out here and I would be gone!
Timur: So you are not on the bus?
Me: (doing the half laugh, half cry) nooooooo

Timur: Are you laughing or crying?
Me: I don’t know. Laughing.
Timur: Ok, I am on my way and when I get there, you better be smiling. Be strong. I will be there in 20 more minutes.

Back to pacing. He was right. Why was I being such a pansy? So I was cold and alone in a town in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country. I had someone coming to get me. I had a jacket on. I had a choice to make to laugh or cry. I would laugh.

I walked up and down the train tunnel about 5000 times. Then I decided to walk the stairs. I prayed for every person I have met in Germany. I sang a few songs. I mastered the stairs.

10 minutes later my phone rang. Timur, 'are you still at the train station?'
Me: laughing and thinking `where could I possibly have gone?' Uh, yeah
Timur: I will be there in five minutes.

It might have been five minutes, I don't know. I kept doing stairs till my phone rang. Timur. I picked up but he was gone. I walked out of the tunnel. I heard my name, Timur was walking up to me. I thought ‘huh, he didn’t have to get out of the car.’ Then we started walking across the parking lot as he explained to me that the route his navigational system gave him took him through construction and the road was blocked so he had just parked the car and walked the last 400 M. I started cracking up. So did he, of course that happened!

I apologized that he had to come get me. He told me it was great because in his 23 years he has never been to Nauen and now he got to see it.

We walked to the car. At this point it was after 1 am. I told Timur about my phone battery, how I thanked God that I had seen that my battery was dying while on the train listening to my music.

I thanked Timur about a hundred times for driving all the way out to get me. When I got home, I thanked God again for keeping my battery alive. Every time it moved to yellow or even to red, I had prayed again and every time God gave it some new life. I thanked Him also for giving me people who I can call when I need help and I thanked him that I did not have to sleep in the freezing train station in Nauen last night.

First Regular Season Game

Well Saturday was our first regular season game...you probably picked that up from my über creative title, huh? Well I woke up Saturday morning the way I usually do (this has not changed from when I lived in the States)...me thinking, 'what day is it? Why am I awake? What should I be doing?' Think think think...I happily remembered, 'It's GAME DAY!'...

We were supposed to have a home game, but due to some sort of scheduling conflict we played at a gym in Berlin somewhere far far away...(someday I will know the geography of this place)...

We got to the gym about an hour and a half before our game. There was a small crowd of 6-11 (guesstimate) year old girls outside the gym- we had cheerleaders! Ha ha! Some cheerleading club asked us if they could cheer at our games as practice...

We went in and found our locker room and started getting ready...I was all dressed but I had to go to the bathroom. The bathroom in our locker room, of course, did not have toilet paper...Decided to just wait and go later.

We went out and started warming up. I had on my new Lebron Soldier's which I had just bought the day before at Nike Town. I had gone there three different times to try on shoes, to make sure I really liked the ones I got because I have had issues with the last three pairs of basketball shoes I have bought. I also brought my Kobe's with me just in case having new shoes on bothered my feet...The Lebrons felt good for about thirty minutes. Then, when going through the layup line I felt a sharp pain in my left arch, where the flywire on my shoe seemed to be giving way. I started praying that my shoes would be okay...

About 20 min before game time our team went back into the locker room to meet. Coach gave us some instructions and a motivational pre game talk. I still had to go to the bathroom. On the way back out to the court (which involved going down a hall way and a flight of stairs) I tried going into two other locker rooms to see if their bathrooms had toilet paper- strike two and strike three...I ran out to the court to ask the people working the table where I could find a bathroom with toilet paper. The guy I asked said, 'huh, good question' and referred me to someone else. This man told me my best bet was the restroom upstairs in the lobby.

At this point there were 6 minutes left on the clock for warm up time. I ran back out of the gym, up the stairs, down the hallway, and to the bathroom in the lobby...No toilet paper. No paper towels either. 'What is the matter with these people?'

I ran to the snack bar and asked for a couple napkins, ran back to the bathroom and quickly took care of business and back down to the court...I got there with 27 seconds of warm up time remaining. I ran to get back in the layup line and my arch was still bothering me. I went to the bench to try tying my shoes tighter, to see if that helped my arch get more support. Of course with the straps on my shoe that have to be undone to mess with the shoe laces this took me some time. Everyone was on the court waiting for me. I tried to hurry, with my teammates making fun of me that I need help tying my shoes...I ran out onto the court, said hi to everyone (here you usually go and high five each of the opponents and say hello and shake the ref's hand before you start), tucked in my shirt at the ref's command, and got ready to play.

We started out the first few minutes in a blaze. We couldn't miss. If we did miss, we crashed the offensive boards and got the put back or the foul. Everything was going great- except for my arch...I decided I had better take care of it before I ended up with an injury. While one of my teammates was shooting a freethrow, I told my coach I needed a quick sub. We had been playing for maybe 3 or 4 minutes at this point. I went out and changed back into my Kobe's, then got subbed right back in.

The game went much like some of the other games we have played. We rocketed out to a lead, something like 19-4, then started cooling off a little bit. We then would go through streaks of scoring and streaks of turnovers or defensive breakdowns. With all that though, I think we went into halftime up by about 20+ points.

In this game I shot okay. I missed two shots I should have made- one a put back after getting an offensive rebound at the free throw line, and the other a shot I tried to tip in on my teammate's fast break layup.

I hit a couple of threes, one off the dribble and one on a skip pass. I think my most important basket came in the third quarter when we hit a slump and hadn't scored in a few minutes. We were struggling against their zone, I got the ball on the right wing and dribbled across the key, through the defense and made a step through to finish with my left hand and pick up a foul. I finished the FT for the 3 pt play to help our team get a little momentum.

My dumbest play of the game was when I got a steal and went out on the fast break, my 6'4" post player running the floor with me. We had a 2 on 1 and I wish I had passed Louisa the ball, but I thought I might have a better chance of finishing the play myself. The defender jumped in front of me and I trucked her. She was certainly moving, but it didn't matter. Ref called me for charging and we missed the opportunity. I should have passed...

The game was really fun overall. We had a good sized crowd out from our club and they were into the game. It was fun to hear them get excited for us in good plays in the game!

Everyone was excited when the game finished and we had won our first regular season game by (I think) 23 points. Dani, our other starting wing, finished as the high scorer with 23 points herself. In the first quarter she was on a rampage! (My final stat line was 13 pts, I think 8 rebounds and 5 steals)...

Now we are getting ready for next weekend. My teammates say the team will be much better, the other team has 2 or 3 Americans...Tini said 'yeah, we have just one American, and we got the skinny one.' Huh...