Of course hours after that conversation I'm still thinking about it. I think about it a lot actually, about what's going on with this life of mine. I think that everyone goes through phases in their lives when their "life metabolism" picks up. Suddenly you have this craving for more- more what? You're not sure, but you know that "this" isn't satisfying and you want something. We rack our brains trying to figure out what will satisfy us, and for some of us, we chase after the things we think will satsify us. For some of us it's a career. For some, it's prestige, for some it is family, or popularity, or beauty...we try and we try to satisfy that craving...but just like an apple won't do when all you're craving is chocolate cake, we find that all these things we are chasing just won't suffice.
The problem is that I know, and I think most people know, that in the end, we are craving God. We are craving spiritual experience. We are craving true and unconditional love. But we don't really quite know how to get from A to B.
I don't really quite know how to get from A to B. My friend who was talking to me tonight is an intensely practical person. He recognizes the need to live our physical lives and reminds me of it often, that at the end of the day- well, there's an end to the day, and a start of the next one, and it takes food and water and shelter to get us through it. We are physical beings with mundane responsibilities. I'm trying to figure out how to live out this thirst for God, and this thirst for spiritual experience, in a very physical world.
I'm trying to figure out the difference between selfish ambition and godly ambition. The difference between enjoying my job and working hard at it, and letting my job become my end all, my identity. I'm trying to figure out how my job fits into my ultimate purpose of loving God and building His kingdom. I'm trying to figure out how to be spiritual, emotional, practical, physical, rational, and faithful all at the same time.
Sometimes I am afraid that I am going to live my whole life and never figure it out. Or that I'll finally figure it out after years and years of living the "wrong way." I'm afraid that I'll get caught up in living for myself, in loving myself, and in allowing myself to float through life or to pursue things that just don't matter.
These past couple of weeks I've been reading through a book my sister lent me, "Christ the Lord, Out of Egypt" by Anne Rice. The story is about Jesus' childhood years, from about age 8-11. Of course it is all speculation, but it was really interesting to read and to think through what He was like then! It was good to be reminded that my Savior spent 30 years on this earth living a very human, very ordinary life. (ok, minus the angels and magi and stuff at his birth...)He had parents and family and school and traditions and holidays and such...
In the book Jesus is trying to figure out exactly who He is and what His purpose is on the earth. I know this passage is taken out of context so I hope that it doesn't lose its punch, but at one point in the book He says,
"I wasn't sent here to find angels! I wasn't sent here to dream of them. I wasn't sent here to hear them sing! I was sent here to be alive. To breathe and sweat and thirst and sometimes cry.
And everything that happened to me, everything both great and small, was something I had to learn! There was room for it in the infinite mind of the Lord and I had to seek the lesson in it, no matter how hard it was to find.
I almost laughed.
It was so simple, so beautiful. If only I could keep it in my mind, this understanding, this moment...Oh yes, I would grow up, and there would come a time when I would leave Nazareth, surely. I would go out into the world and do what I was meant to do. Yes. but for now? All was clear...
It seemed the whole world was holding me. Why had I ever thought I was alone? I was in the embrace of the earth, of those who loved me no matter what they thought or understood, of the very stars.
'Father,' I said, 'I am your child.'"
This passage from the book was beautiful to me because I saw how Jesus was content to know that He was God's. He was content to live His daily life, soaking up the lessons His Father had for Him, and moving each day toward whatever purpose the Father was planning for Him. I felt relieved to think that there are things in my life that won't go as I would have necessarily wanted, but that there are lessons there to learn, and that Jesus himself 'grew in wisdom' (Luke 2:52) and Jesus was "perfected through suffering" (Hebrews 2:10)...The experiences I live through, are shaping me for the purposes God has for me.
There are days when I love being a coach. There are days when I just wish that I was married and staying at home (no, I'm not necessarily saying staying at home with kids, just staying at home. Sleeping. Eating. Letting some sugar daddy pay the bills.) There are days I want to conquer the world's problems. There are days I just want the Lord to come back and sweep me away to heaven. Regardless, each day the Father has a purpose for me to be here. The point is that I live here. The point is that I am His child. The point is that I impact others to live here as His children also. He will lead me in how to do this. Right now, I can keep leading these girls on the basketball team, by example, by loving them. I can keep loving my roommate and encouraging her to love Christ. I can love the people in my church and find out how to help them embrace their Father as well.
I pray, overall, that I will be satisfied in Christ. That just as He was satisfied, knowing He was His Father's that I will be satisfied knowing I get to share in that relationship as well.
