Hungry Life

Tonight I was talking with a friend of mine, and we were talking about whether or not it is important to have a sense of urgency in life. I immediately responded that we must, and without much thought I said, "because life is short, and we don't know how long we have, and we should have an impact with the life we get." Of course I was immediately somewhat wishing I hadn't said that because it caused me to once again turn the magnifying glass on my own life and examine whether or not I live with impact and a sense of urgency, and it was hard for me to say yes...

Of course hours after that conversation I'm still thinking about it. I think about it a lot actually, about what's going on with this life of mine. I think that everyone goes through phases in their lives when their "life metabolism" picks up. Suddenly you have this craving for more- more what? You're not sure, but you know that "this" isn't satisfying and you want something. We rack our brains trying to figure out what will satisfy us, and for some of us, we chase after the things we think will satsify us. For some of us it's a career. For some, it's prestige, for some it is family, or popularity, or beauty...we try and we try to satisfy that craving...but just like an apple won't do when all you're craving is chocolate cake, we find that all these things we are chasing just won't suffice.

The problem is that I know, and I think most people know, that in the end, we are craving God. We are craving spiritual experience. We are craving true and unconditional love. But we don't really quite know how to get from A to B.

I don't really quite know how to get from A to B. My friend who was talking to me tonight is an intensely practical person. He recognizes the need to live our physical lives and reminds me of it often, that at the end of the day- well, there's an end to the day, and a start of the next one, and it takes food and water and shelter to get us through it. We are physical beings with mundane responsibilities. I'm trying to figure out how to live out this thirst for God, and this thirst for spiritual experience, in a very physical world.

I'm trying to figure out the difference between selfish ambition and godly ambition. The difference between enjoying my job and working hard at it, and letting my job become my end all, my identity. I'm trying to figure out how my job fits into my ultimate purpose of loving God and building His kingdom. I'm trying to figure out how to be spiritual, emotional, practical, physical, rational, and faithful all at the same time.

Sometimes I am afraid that I am going to live my whole life and never figure it out. Or that I'll finally figure it out after years and years of living the "wrong way." I'm afraid that I'll get caught up in living for myself, in loving myself, and in allowing myself to float through life or to pursue things that just don't matter.

These past couple of weeks I've been reading through a book my sister lent me, "Christ the Lord, Out of Egypt" by Anne Rice. The story is about Jesus' childhood years, from about age 8-11. Of course it is all speculation, but it was really interesting to read and to think through what He was like then! It was good to be reminded that my Savior spent 30 years on this earth living a very human, very ordinary life. (ok, minus the angels and magi and stuff at his birth...)He had parents and family and school and traditions and holidays and such...

In the book Jesus is trying to figure out exactly who He is and what His purpose is on the earth. I know this passage is taken out of context so I hope that it doesn't lose its punch, but at one point in the book He says,

"I wasn't sent here to find angels! I wasn't sent here to dream of them. I wasn't sent here to hear them sing! I was sent here to be alive. To breathe and sweat and thirst and sometimes cry.
And everything that happened to me, everything both great and small, was something I had to learn! There was room for it in the infinite mind of the Lord and I had to seek the lesson in it, no matter how hard it was to find.
I almost laughed.
It was so simple, so beautiful. If only I could keep it in my mind, this understanding, this moment...Oh yes, I would grow up, and there would come a time when I would leave Nazareth, surely. I would go out into the world and do what I was meant to do. Yes. but for now? All was clear...
It seemed the whole world was holding me. Why had I ever thought I was alone? I was in the embrace of the earth, of those who loved me no matter what they thought or understood, of the very stars.
'Father,' I said, 'I am your child.'"

This passage from the book was beautiful to me because I saw how Jesus was content to know that He was God's. He was content to live His daily life, soaking up the lessons His Father had for Him, and moving each day toward whatever purpose the Father was planning for Him. I felt relieved to think that there are things in my life that won't go as I would have necessarily wanted, but that there are lessons there to learn, and that Jesus himself 'grew in wisdom' (Luke 2:52) and Jesus was "perfected through suffering" (Hebrews 2:10)...The experiences I live through, are shaping me for the purposes God has for me.

There are days when I love being a coach. There are days when I just wish that I was married and staying at home (no, I'm not necessarily saying staying at home with kids, just staying at home. Sleeping. Eating. Letting some sugar daddy pay the bills.) There are days I want to conquer the world's problems. There are days I just want the Lord to come back and sweep me away to heaven. Regardless, each day the Father has a purpose for me to be here. The point is that I live here. The point is that I am His child. The point is that I impact others to live here as His children also. He will lead me in how to do this. Right now, I can keep leading these girls on the basketball team, by example, by loving them. I can keep loving my roommate and encouraging her to love Christ. I can love the people in my church and find out how to help them embrace their Father as well.

I pray, overall, that I will be satisfied in Christ. That just as He was satisfied, knowing He was His Father's that I will be satisfied knowing I get to share in that relationship as well.

Beloved

Colossians 3 talks a lot about how I am to identify myself. I am not known by God as a white girl or a Caucasian or an American or a basketball coach, though I am all of those. Col 3:12 says,"So, as those how have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion..."He knows me as one who He has raised with Christ. He knows me as one of His Chosen ones. He knows me as one of His Holy ones- meaning, He set me apart to be like Him. And, ultimately, He knows me as His beloved.

I think that this last one, for some reason, is one that I just have such a hard time grasping. I am not entirely sure why, but there is some disconnect in me that says God just doesn’t really like me that much. This verse tells me otherwise. I looked up that word in the original Greek, beloved, and here’s what it said:

1) of persons
a) to welcome, to entertain, to be fond of, to love dearly

God has welcomed me, He’s brought me in to entertain (as in the sense of entertaining someone in your home?), He is fond of me, He loves me dearly…The Greek dictionary further said that this word may come from the word phileo which means:
1) to love
a) to approve of
b) to like
c) sanction
d) to treat affectionately or kindly, to welcome, befriend
2) to show signs of love
a) to kiss
3) to be fond of doing
a) be wont, use to do

I’ll be honest, reading those definitions stopped me in my tracks. My eyes are welling up and I feel a quickness in my breathing. God approves of me? He likes me? He treats me affectionately? Loves me dearly? God befriends me? God even kisses me? God is fond of saving me?

Aren’t these the longings in me? To be loved like that? To be fulfilled by such a love? God is not stiff-arming me, waiting for me to make myself holier, to prove myself worthy of something from Him…I don’t know what it is in me, but with both my earthly father and heavenly father I’m always living wanting to please them so they’ll be pleased with me. Neither of them have done anything to me to cause me to think this way, but there it is inside my heart- this thirst for approval, this idea that I’m earning something from them, not even just proving myself worthy of admiration, but working to gain it…Really I treat all people like that, but those are the two big ones…It is a sick love that cares more about how people view me than how I view people. It is wanting their approval more than their good…but that is for another time…
The crazy part is that not only does my earthly father love me unconditionally, so does my heavenly father. I think the latter is so much harder for me to understand because of His complete knowledge of me.
My dad knows me as well as anyone on this earth, but God is the one who knows what I’m really like. God is the one who hears all the thoughts that I am so glad other people can’t hear. God is the one who has seen the deeds done that I’m so glad other people haven’t seen. He knows all about me, the things that really motivate me, bother me, that make me who I am…and He is fond of me.
I think we live in a culture so built on work and rewards that it has seeped into every fiber of my thinking. For goodness sake, even in Awana the system is- learn a verse here‘s a badge for your chest! And to an extent, God works like that too- He says we are laying up treasures in heaven, but we are never ever ever working for His approval or His pleasure over us. That is as free as the air that we breathe. Just as I can take pleasure in God simply for who He is (though I don’t often do that), God has taken pleasure in me simply for who I am- His daughter, the work of His hands.

And you know what’s crazy? When God introduced Jesus to the world as His Son- what did He say? “This is my beloved Son”…same root word…God isn’t kidding that He loves us the same way He loves Jesus…
So often I have read that verse “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience…” and I have skipped right over those amazing words of who I am in God’s eyes. I’ve read it and gone straight to the checklist- what is God expecting of me today? Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, got it. Then I go and try to bang these into my head so that I will be able to perform them. As if I am some Marine who by sheer force of will and training can produce all the results demanded of him by his officer.
God is not some removed military official, and I most certainly am not even capable of taking His traits and forcing them into my being. As I realize who I am to God, holy and beloved, putting on compassion starts seeming doable because I am so full of the love God has for me. I am so in awe that God likes me and that He has affection for me and that it’s just because.

That is my new identification. I am God’s beloved. What then do I have to prove to Him or anyone else? Nothing. "My Beloved is mine and I am His."