Know Him, not the Future

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. Ok, yes I can. Who am I kidding? The other day I wrote at the top of my journal page three topics I want to write about on here and yet, as I sit here tonight, I don't think any of those things are going to make it.

I'm now living, with the Gilberts, at our Pastor's house with his family. We are one Full House ladies and gentlemen, but instead of three little girls and three grown men we've got 5 kids, 2 teens, one married couple and two single women (ah hem, one single woman, one engaged). It's not what one would call, normal. I have gotten used to being not normal though, been that way for a long time.

It's crazy that I'm already at this stage. When I signed up for this gig I really didn't know what the year would hold. I had no idea it would include living at my pastor's house or moving to Texas. I think that typifies my life though- unexpectedness. It's so weird how we always try to picture our lives. We have this strange idea of what we'll be like in a year, two years, ten years down the road. We think we know the sort of people we'll be, the house we'll live in, the job we'll work, etc. Why do we do this? Why do we have expectations and assumptions? Why is it so hard to just leave the unknown, well, unknown? I feel like God's been changing that in me ever since I went to college. Where before I could like into my crystal ball and come up with some sort of image of my future, now I look and it's like walking through a room with no windows. My eyes are open but I can't see anything in front of me. I have my hands out and I'm trying to feel my way along, my imagination wants to picture what might be there in the darkness, but I really have no idea. I also feel like when you're putting together a jig-saw puzzle, and you keep trying different pieces to fit where you laid your last piece, the piece of the present, and yet you just keep striking out. Nothing seems to fit right and that "right" piece, the piece of the next step into the future, eludes you. What does my future hold? Nothing fits my current piece it seems...and stink, I don't even have the edges put together...and on top of all that, I don't have the cover of the box to look at either...I just keep reminding myself that my life is NOT a puzzle, and even if it was, I am not the one who would put it together anyway...

People keep asking me what I'm going to do next, what's coming up for me after July. I just keep smiling and saying "I have no idea." And then I talk for a few minutes about possibilities that really, I don't feel like I'm really counting on, but I say them because I feel like I should say something, and then I realize I simply must stop and repeat myself, "I have NO idea."
Is this irresponsible? Should I have some plan B in case plan A isn't given to me in a vision in the night? Or in case God doesn't swoop down and put all the pieces in place for me? I don't know. I struggle with knowing if I'm being unwise, or perhaps I'm actually trusting. Panic has not set in, thank God (literally, I thank Him).

The one thing that I know that I want, and that I know I will want no matter what that next puzzle piece is, is to feel that I know the presence of God. I just keep telling myself the truth- "I will never leave you nor forsake you...I am with you always." God, I want to take you at your word, but I want to FEEL you! I want to feel you standing next to me, hemming me in before me and behind me, moving inside of me. What a God you tell us you are! Not only am I surrounded, but He is inside of me...if only I could feel that. I want to feel like we can just sit on the couch and talk, or that when I'm laying in my bed at night talking that You're right there, just right there hanging on every word...

This morning I did a little devotion with the kids. I am trying to teach them about God's love. I want them to be amazed by it, awed by it, infatuated with it, excited about it. I want those things too. I had one of the boys read John 3:16. He read it the way I think a lot of us feel it. For God so loved the world yada yada yada. Monotone. No feeling. He could have been saying "photosynthesis is the process by which plants create food from sunlight." I stopped him. I looked at the kids. I told them, do you realize what that's saying? God wasn't just like "eh, well, I guess I'll save 'em." No! He loved the world SO much! He loves you SOOOO much! My eyes got big, I started getting excited in my voice, "do you understand that guys? He loves you so much!" I asked them if they realized what Jesus gave up for them. What he took on for them. For me. Because He loves them. Because He loves me.

I asked the kids how that makes them feel. I asked myself why I don't feel more when I hear that and read that. Somehow so much of the weight of that statement bounces off my forehead. God I am too weak to take it in! Please don't let my ignorance keep me from realizing You! Please don't let me be hard hearted or distracted or too busy to slow down and take in your love for me. You have told me that your love is beyond knowledge, but that fact alone ought to impact me. I ought to feel that deep within me.

God, you love me so much, I want to love you back the way you ought to be loved. I want to know your presence because You are worth spending every moment with. I want to stand in the dark with you and feel ease and joy because I don't need to know the next step, better yet, I don't need a next step period. I only want to take steps that take me closer to you, and if I realize, really realize, that you are WITH me, then we can step anywhere or stay right here and it really does not matter.

I told someone the other day, I may live year to year for the rest of my life. It really makes no difference in the long run. I just want to say, like the apostle Paul, I know whom I have believed, and He is able to keep what He's entrusted until that day...I don't have to find some niche, I don't have to build a career or devote my life to a particular cause in this world besides knowing and serving my God. That is the cause, that is the sum of life- and eternal life is this, that they may know You."

God whatever is in front of me, whatever is going to happen in the next five minutes, the next five days, or the next five years, if I get all of it or none of it, I just want to know you. Be near oh God! Your nearness is to me my good! This is Plan A!