What the Heck is Going On?? (Part 1)

Okay, here is another post I wrote a while ago- November 18th, to be exact. I was still in Germany at the time, about 5 days away from leaving...I never finished it, so I figure I will write Part 2 in a bit...(really, in just a few minutes, I will write it, and my goal is to even post it today- rather than wait a month or two!)...

What the Heck is Going On???

Okay, we’ve all asked that question at times in our lives…(Okay some of you maybe are too kind or good to say “heck” but you’re still asking the same question)…That has been the question in my mind so many times in this little German adventure I’ve had…if we can call it that….

I realized the other day that in the time that I have been here I have continuously tried to label this experience, to evaluate it, process it, and put it into words. I have failed repeatedly. People have asked me so many times how I feel about this or that, and time and again I have said, “I don’t know.” I think trying to figure out culture and my place here, whether on a team, with a family, in a city, etc, has been so difficult because things have shifted so constantly, and I felt like I never fully got my bearings…

Now there is a major shift. Two weeks ago I was playing in a game and I had one of the sweetest blocks I’ve ever had, at a crucial time in the game, against this manly post player, and it felt sooooo good- for about a nano-second. Then I landed on someone’s foot and my foot turned completely under me and that felt sooooooo bad. My mind thought instantly, “I am going home.” Literally- I think that is what was going through my mind as my body made its way down to the floor (which took a while because of my major hang time, you guys know me)…My next thought was “I don’t have insurance.” I knew it was bad. I have had sprained ankles before, but this was like, my foot just folded. I laid on the ground crying instantly…maybe possibly sort of freaking out a little bit…The combination of the pain and of thinking what the injury would mean for me both in my quest to play professionally, and financially, was a lot to handle….

After being carried off the court and laying on the sideline I actually thought, “huh, am I okay? Did I just freak out for nothing?” I will be honest. I had a moment where I was nervous that I was okay. Who wants to be the person who writhes on the ground and then pops back up and walks it off? Not me. I get so annoyed by those people.

I just laid there, watching my team finish the game and also praying. It hit me- there was absolutely nothing I could do about my circumstance. Prior to this moment I had been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what I ought to do to try to stay in Germany, to try to keep working towards playing pro or if I should even do that. I was trying so hard to figure out what to do and I was stressing out. Laying on the floor with my foot up I realized that my situation was out of my hands, and there was actually a bit of relief in that. I realized that I had a choice to make- I could be very upset and anxious about the future, or I could trust God with it. I chose the latter. The funny thing about such choices is, at least for me anyway, it is a choice that must be chosen again and again.

When I tried to get up after the game, I was definitely not able to walk, so that helped alleviate some of the “fear” that I was okay (I am twisted, I know)….The rest of the night I felt frustrated, not just because of my ankle, but more so because our team ended up losing the game. I felt upset with myself for how I had played at the start of the game, if I had played better, maybe we would have been up and we would have been able to pull it out…The choice to keep trusting God would have to be made over and over and over even in one night as my thoughts of frustration would keep bubbling back to the surface.

It was a long drive home with my foot propped up on the dash of the van. We stopped at a gas station halfway and everyone else got out, leaving me alone for a few minutes. Once again I used the time to whisper to God my fears and also my decision to trust Him. I apologized for kinda freaking out on Him at first, and for questioning Him. I felt that in those moments I had responded as though He had never done anything for me. I had responded like something a whole lot more life shattering than an ankle sprain had occurred…It was good to have those moments to talk to Him.

Well, to add to the mix of emotions running through me, and the wondering of “what is going on,” when I got home at like 1 am, I had an email waiting for me- a team in Luxembourg had interest in me. I laughed--what amazing timing (sarcasm)! I wrote back that I am interested, but I JUST sprained my ankle….I had no idea how to feel about that at the time because I had no idea how bad my ankle was or when this team would want me…Of course I was hopeful…

The next morning any lingering doubt about my “pansiness” was relieved (if we can call it that) when I unwrapped my foot to find that bloated, bruised, cankle that I had posted on my Facebook. “Great!” I thought, “I am not as big of a pansy as I feared” (Let’s say that is me seeing the bright side of things)… And then, “Now what? How long is this going to take to heal???”

Talk came up pretty quickly about me going home amongst the people in Germany. Everyone felt it would make sense for me to just recover at home since my visa was about to expire, I could no longer play or coach, and I would just be sitting around. The only thing was, I was waiting to hear about the Luxembourg team. There was a series of emails and conversations. They wanted me to come in 10 days to try out. I would not be ready to try out. Then they wanted me to come in a week and have their doctor check my foot. Then, finally, after it was pretty obvious my injury was going to take at least a few weeks to heal, it was decided it would be best for me to return to the states, fully heal up, and possibly return after Christmas.

It took like a week and a half to get to that conclusion- which was fine because I needed a little time for my foot to heal up enough for me to be able to travel. As soon as the decision was made, my parents booked me a flight home for Monday morning. They work fast.