Life on a Napkin

Well…it has been a little while since I blogged. No surprise there. I guess there are so many things to say and so little to say all at the same time. I could write more of events and little stories that have happened here, but instead here are some of my musings… Here is something I wrote the other day, on a napkin in the train:

(I had a fit of inspiration and ran into the bakery near the train stop to grab napkins for paper before running to jump on my train into town)…

(Every story is better with pictures right? So here's the napkin...deciphering it later was somewhat challenging...)

“Last night once again I was walking home in the dark. There are always parts of the path that are light and parts that are not, but a street light must’ve gone out that night bc there was a stretch of darkness that was much longer and darker than usual. “This is my life,” I thought “I literally cannot see the step in front of me, but I have to take it. I am choosing to trust God to get me home unscathed.”
In life there are times where we feel we are under the lamp light- the way seems clear, the path sure, and we go merrily and confidently on our way without much thought…But then we have those other moments where every step feels unsure, we don’t know where our foot will land or whether we will hit flat ground or a pothole.
As I contemplated how to navigate through the darkness another thought hit me- darkness this black is always good for something- I looked up and sure enough, a million stars were shining in their beautiful constellations.

Talk about a confidence boost. The creator of all of that is also planning my life. I began to converse with Him, as I often do on this walk, whispering out loud the details of my life that seem to need clarity, provision, encouragement, strength- not so much because I think the Creator doesn’t know them, but more so to just get it off my chest before Him.

It seems that God, in making us in His image, did not neglect giving us a desire to plan. I find this interesting (okay and honestly, annoying). He lets us plan ad we have a desire to plan and the freedom to plan, but ultimately He does the planning and He makes us wait on Him. Another thought is how God is a communicator, but it feels like so often He limits His communication. I know, I know. Right now You are telling me, “that is so we learn to trust Him.” I get it. I just find it interesting that in all of our relationships we pound home the importance of communication, saying things like “we can’t read minds!” This is exactly what frustrates me with people, when I feel like they won’t just tell me what they are thinking, and I have carried this over to how I respond to God. I want Him to just tell me everything on His mind, because I am having such a hard time trying to read it. “

My napkin journal ended there. But this strain of thinking has continued all week. This morning I just got on my knees again and told God I want to do whatever He wants. I asked Him to show me His hand in what currently feels like limbo to me. I literally pictured myself yesterday, as though trapped in an hour glass that has been turned on its side. I think I am definitely of that brand of person who wants to feel progression. I want to know that I have advanced since the day that I set my foot in Germany. I think it has been hard feeling like the picture of what all this is meant to be is so hazy, how can you measure if you are meeting a goal if you are unsure of what the goal is? I thought when I came that it was to play basketball in the first league. I am not sure if that is my purpose here anymore. As much as I am a verbal person, I want to quantify things. I want to have a list and check things off, to see productivity clearly…

All of this leaves me in a place where I live one day at a time. I know this is a good place to be, but I wrestle with it, a million times a day. There are moments where I submit to the hold and I relax and say I will keep riding this wave and see what happens. Then, as I do so often in the ocean, when I cannot see what is around me beneath the surface of the water, I panic for a moment. I want to know that the ground is still there, and that nothing sinister is coming at me in the water. I want to feel stable, I want to feel secure. But in the ocean, part of the thrill is that you do not know exactly what is coming.

How does this all come full circle? I keep talking it through with the Creator. I keep telling him that although I cannot read His mind I will trust Him and I will enjoy the waves instead of letting fear get a hold of me.

The other night I was talking with my coach on one of our long drives home. We were talking about fear and what scares us. I told him that one of the biggest fears that I have in my life is that I will waste it. I have to trust God even in this, that these days are not purposeless. This morning a new picture came into my head- a Rubic’s cube. I have never solved one of those things, but I am always amazed watching someone do it. It always looks like they make turns and twists that are regressing…you see all these yellow squares coming together then suddenly they “mess it all up”…they go back to each side having multiple colors again...but in the end, those turns that seem to get you nowhere or seem to be steps back, end up solving the puzzle. God is twisting and turning my life, and to me it can seem random. But if He made the stars, then surely my little Rubic’s cube is not a problem...I find solace in His good hands making the turns in my life...



For those of you hoping for a laugh:
The other day on the bus a young mom came and sat next to me with her little baby girl. She heard me on my cell phone asking my friend for clarity on directions and when I got off the phone she asked me if I still needed help finding my way.

Me: (in my head) What?! A stranger spoke to me!?

We continued talking (mostly, SHE continued talking) and of course, she is Serbian. Not German. So the rule that German strangers do not talk still applies.

Anyway…so we are chatting/playing with her baby girl who was beyond adorable and she asks me, “do you have children?”

“Nope” I reply, “no children.”
She is aghast. “How OLD are you?!” (Let’s keep in mind that most people assume I’m a lot younger than I actually am)…I reply with a slightly uncomfortable chuckle, “I am 28.” (Yes, I did have to pause to remember that)…

Serbian Momma: ”And you don’t have CHILDREN?! What? You don’t like children?!”

Me: (a little stunned at how this conversation just turned)“Uh yes, of course I like children! I just don’t have any yet!”

She was mystified.