Can't sleep right now. Got in bed, excited to be going to sleep, and then, as happens so often, my mind began racing and sleep began taunting me and jeering me, so I told sleep that he's overrated and I figured I'd sit down and type some of my thoughts. That will show him...
Well tonight I sat with a young black man at the gym where I was playing in a basketball league. In our conversation he confided that his sister-in-law's brother was just killed in L.A. Murdered, shot in the back six times by a rival gang member...He said that there are so many murders like that in LA that the police will probably never get the guy. He said that the victim's gang will probably get him before the police do...I asked this man what happens in those areas, why do young people want to be in gangs? Why do they become killers? I've heard the reasons before, but I wanted to hear it from someone who has been there. He told me about the poverty in those areas, the extreme drug use. He told me how most of those people have no education and kids grow up with parents who didn't make it through school and so they don't have any ambition to either. He said there is an extreme lack of education and a lack of role models.
At another time in my life I sat with a young man from Uganda. He told me that his brother has AIDS and his mom is sick and it is hard for his family to get food in the winters. He, a college student, was the provider for the family. He told me that one of the things he couldn't believe about America was how many hospitals we have for pets. He said where he's from there's not much for hospitals for people. At another time in my life I got to spend the afternoon at an orphanage in Costa Rica. I played with kids who were pretty content to be running around with a frisbee and took a lot of joy out of that despite the fact they were growing up with no parents and no family...
As I listened to that guy talk tonight, I just wanted to start crying. As I think through these few things I've mentioned and many many other stories of hardship that I've heard and witnessed, I just wonder, what are we doing? What am I doing? These aren't stories- these are real people with real heartache and real physical suffering and I'm pretty sure you could read through any one of the Gospels and figure out that Jesus was passionate about helping such people. I just feel like on a grand scale the church is failing in reaching people. I know that there are people reaching out, but I just feel like there are so many who aren't. I don't want to be like that. It's too easy to ignore the problem. If I don't know about the problem, don't think about the problem, then I also don't have to think about the solution. I don't have to be a part of the solution. I just keep praying that God will help me to focus on an area and to go after it. I don't want to live comfortably, I want to live effectively. On the otherhand, I think that sometimes we see all the problems in the world and we just get overwhelmed by it, we feel like there's too much to overcome and so we don't try. We don't chink away at anything. Sometimes we write a check and hope someone else will do the reaching for us. The world is bleeding and we are throwing it Band-Aids.
I thought about our propensity to be overwhelmed and then paralyzed by it...You know what came to mind? Twelve guys trying to take the news of one man's resurrection to the entire world. That in the face of immense persecution...In the face of very limited communication and very limited travel. They certainly gave up comfort. They threw that right out the window at the get go. We are so afraid of pain. I am so afraid of pain. I'm afraid of giving up the things that make me feel safe, that make me feel important, that make me feel validated, that make me feel loved, appreciated, and comforted. What am I gaining? What is anyone gaining by that kind of thinking? I started thinking tonight, are we looking at our lives thinking about what kind of house we might have or how we can improve our homes or are we thinking about how we can house someone else? Are we thinking about what kind of car we might get or are we thinking about how we can give someone a ride? Are we thinking about how we can avoid trouble and pain or are we thinking about how we can relieve someone else's? The question is not whether danger frightens us, it is whether danger immobilizes us...
Are we thinking about the time we will spend in heaven some day or are we thinking about how we can get someone else to go there?
God I am sorry that my life is so ingrown. I'm so sorry that my selfishness reaches levels inside of me that I don't even know about. I am sorry that I am even afraid to type these things for fear of having to live up to what I'm saying. I am sorry that I am afraid to give every last drop of myself for what you love- mercy, sacrifice, love for people, your glory. God please help me to be pro-active. Help your church to get off the couch. Thank you for those parts of your body who are reaching and bleeding and loving and showing You to the world. Please make the rest of us like them! Show us how to take a step.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Oh Just Read it!
Oftentimes I think of things to write about on this blog. I think you’d be pretty surprised, in fact, to know how often I really do think about things to write. I guess it is partially prideful on my part to think that I have that many things worth writing about that someone else would want to spend their time reading, but then my laziness takes over my pride and I don’t actually take the time to type out the thoughts that zoom through my head in an instant before switching on to really draining things like changing poopy diapers. Speaking of which, how do you spell “poopie”? My spell checker is underlining that word with red regardless of how I spell it. Perhaps Mr. Microsoft never faced a poopy diaper and thus never put the word in his dictionary. Most likely he too has a nanny and thus she is the one orchestrating such events as diapering and he is off somewhere swimming laps through his billions….Anyway, that right there is an example of why I rarely post, it is so difficult for me to stay on one topic.
So tonight I sat down to actually type out what I was thinking would be good for a blog because I actually felt like I should. I thought maybe what I’m going to write would actually be helpful to someone as opposed to something that they might just use as a distraction from something they should be doing- like changing a poopie (I just decided to use the spellings interchangeably) diaper, or doing homework. Some of you read my blogs and meanwhile children are sitting in their poop and papers are being left unwritten. I know who you people are.
Okay okay, so let me get down to it. So today I had some time off and I was really looking forward to it, just to the chance to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air that doesn’t occupy space at the Gilbert household or Lifetime Fitness. The last couple of days I’ve just been feeling kinda down. I was letting myself get frustrated about some things and was having a hard time just letting God have it. Not “let Him have it” like I was going to punch Him or yell at Him, let Him have it like just casting my cares on Him. Thought that might be a good one to clarify. So anyway, today I had all this free time and no clue what to do with it. I called my parents up thinking I’d escape to their house and spend some time with them and stay the night with them, but go figure, my parents are pretty popular and already had plans for the day- with my sister and her family so there went my other friends and form of escape (okay you all know you mean much more to me than just a form of escape, but be encouraged that being with you is like vacation- an enjoyable time and not a form of stress or strain). So obviously, God had some other plans for me. I had not read my Bible yet today or done my Beth Moore study and I had been thinking about when I’d do that stuff but hadn’t really made it the focus of my day. Now it was all I had. Wow God, You are all I have. Hmm…weird that I didn’t realize that already huh? Bet that made Him feel even more special than my sister being called a “source of escape.” But as I drove along, looking for a Starbucks to park my booty in while reading, I just thought about how I just really needed to be in His Word. Psalm 19 says “The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul,” and Psalm 23 tells me “God restores my soul.” He knows how desperately I need restoration on a regular basis. And it is silly for me to think that I am going to get restoration from Him by just living life aimlessly. You know what one of the things I read in my reading today at Starbucks was? God was telling the Israelites to “diligently listen to the voice of the LORD (Ex 15:26).” That word diligently stuck out to me because it implies a pro-active sort of listening. We need to TRY to listen and we need to keep at it and we need to do it regularly. All these things are in that word diligent. And by “we” I mean “I”. A lot of times I want God to speak to me and I just wish He’d do it audibly and I get whiney and frustrated because I feel like He is silent. God is not silent. He’s given me an entire book where He’s talking to me. I can silence God by keeping that book closed but He is not silent.
So I went to Starbucks and plopped myself down in a chair and stuck my feet up on another chair and propped my Bible up on my lap and I sipped on a skinny latte to help me stay warm and awake (just a note, I don’t recommend the skinny latte for lack of favorable flavor) and I went on to be moved and rebuked and encouraged and inspired by what God was saying to me. Do you realize how much Jesus loves us? Do you know how much He longs to have you know Him and to let God the Father be YOUR Father? If you have forgotten how much, or just never knew, then go read Luke 12. Jesus tells us not to be anxious- about ANYTHING. And why not? Because God values you. Okay let’s not gloss over that statement. In fact let’s say it again a few times, emphasizing each part. GOD values you. God VALUES you. God values YOU. Are you seeing the weight of this statement? How did this not impact me before? God values the birds and He takes care of them but how much more valuable are you? Do I forget what makes something valuable? It is whether or not God finds it valuable- worthy of love and care. Why are love and trust and integrity important? Because God values these things. If He didn’t value them, why would we? So when the writer says in Luke, “Of how much more value are you than the birds?” He is not talking about inherent value, He is saying that we are valuable to GOD. He truly loves us.
We see that love again as Jesus tells us in verse 32, “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” What kingdom? His kingdom. He actually enjoys, finds pleasure in, letting us be a part of His kingdom. Can you imagine if you were a physical orphan and a family came along with a father who said, “I love you and want you to be my child and I would be absolutely delighted to give you a place in our house and to shower my love on you. I don’t want you to worry another minute about what’s to become of you or what you’re going to eat or wear. I want you to leave that up to me.” And can you imagine turning that down? Can you imagine accepting the offer but then never acknowledging that father as yours? Never spending time talking to him, still referring to him as ‘sir’ or just spending all your time out of the house or in your room? That is how I so often treat my Heavenly Father who has given me abundantly more than the father in the earthly situation I described. Jesus lovingly called us “little flock.” He knows that we’re like sheep- He knows we are fearful and we are wandering and we’re just trying to figure out where to go. He longs to be our shepherd. He wants us to follow Him right on in to the kingdom where there is peace and light and love.
Will I not trust in this God, in MY Father on nights like tonight when I feel lonely? When I’m looking to the future and unsure of what I see? When I am exasperated with someone?
So this post is perhaps beginning to rival the longest blog ever written (maybe I’ll send a copy in to Guinness) but I have to keep going because there was more that God showed me (and really, I promise I’m not even writing everything!). So I moved on to my Beth Moore study which is going through the Psalms of Ascent. Today I read Psalm 121. It took on new meaning for me. It’s times like those- when I’m reading something I’ve read a bunch of times as though I’m reading it for the first time, that I see that God’s word really is living and active. What other words can you read so many times and even on the twentieth time find new life in them?
The Psalm starts out, “I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
I never realized before Beth pointed out to me that these Psalms were written about the Jews’ journey to Jerusalem. Those Psalms were songs sung while on a journey. Suddenly the phrase, “I raise my eyes toward the mountains” makes more sense to me. I never really thought about it before- those mountains are an obstacle on a journey. How many times while going down our personal path in life do we look ahead and see mountains looming in the distance? Mountains we know we’re going to have to climb…Do we look at them and worry? Do we wonder how we’re ever going to make it up? Do we wonder if we’ll run out of water? Do we worry about what sorts of things we might meet on the path? Snakes or bandits or weariness? Do we ask ourselves, “where is my help going to come from”? Once we ask ourselves, how do we answer? Do we draw a blank and only start to imagine what kinds of horrible things might happen to us? Do we start trying to make provisions for ourselves, relying on our own strength and craftiness? Do we start trying to devise a way to get around the mountains? Or do we do as the Psalmist does, and remind ourselves that our help is in the LORD? So much is being said right there- “My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. In Hebrew names carry a lot of meaning. Names are given to reveal something about that person. Think of how often you read “and so and so was named __________ because he was _______.” LORD is a way of saying Yahweh and Yahweh means a covenant maker/keeper. So I know that my help is coming from the one who has made a covenant with me- to be my Father, to take care of me, to value me and care for more than the birds He cares for. Not only that, but my help is from the Maker of Heaven and Earth. That let’s me know that not only has my God made a promise to keep me, but He’s the one who made everything that exists- that gives me a lot of confidence that He is able to carry out the promises He’s making. The Psalmist then gives me even more reason to be assured in my LORD- “He will not allow your foot to slip.” It doesn’t matter how steep the climb gets or how rocky or rugged the terrain. The Psalmist then says, “your Protector will not slumber.” That’s right MY protector. My God, my Father, is personally attending to me as He leads me through the mountains…He is protecting me.
This tells me a lot. First of all, when I look ahead and see mountains, or when I feel like I’m currently standing on a rocky ledge, I know that I am not alone, that I am not just wandering, and that whatever comes at me was allowed to come at me for my good. When Israel went into the desert after escaping Pharaoh, God let them get pretty thirsty! He let them walk with NO water for THREE days! I can’t imagine they felt very comfortable with that. They probably started thinking, “how is this helpful God? Pretty sure I’m literally dying of thirst!” But He was allowing that thirst so that they could turn to Him to quench it. God is going to let me get thirsty some times. He’s going to let me get hungry. He’s going to let people pursue me when my back is up against the wall and the only place to go is to ford a river. He’s going to allow those things so that He can quench my thirst, so that He can feed me, so that He can take me across on dry ground, and so that when my thirst is quenched, when my hunger is satisfied, and when I’ve set my feet on the other side of the river, I will do as the Israelites did- know Him, fear Him, and praise Him.
All of this tonight was like a feast. I expected to sit down with my Bible and maybe walk away with a few little crumbs that I’d put in my pocket and pull out sometime later. God probably listened to my thoughts and laughed and maybe even rolled His eyes as He set out a turkey dinner for me in His word. I left stuffed, so stuffed that well, just like it might happen when you eat too much, some of it came out of me. Or maybe a prettier picture would be to say that after you eat a great meal, what do you do? You talk about it of course! Especially to people that weren’t there! That’s why I had to get on here tonight and write this blog. And maybe, just maybe, my family all went to the snow together today so that I would sit down and take the time to feast and then to actually type this out. Is my Shepherd in charge of each step or not?
So tonight I sat down to actually type out what I was thinking would be good for a blog because I actually felt like I should. I thought maybe what I’m going to write would actually be helpful to someone as opposed to something that they might just use as a distraction from something they should be doing- like changing a poopie (I just decided to use the spellings interchangeably) diaper, or doing homework. Some of you read my blogs and meanwhile children are sitting in their poop and papers are being left unwritten. I know who you people are.
Okay okay, so let me get down to it. So today I had some time off and I was really looking forward to it, just to the chance to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air that doesn’t occupy space at the Gilbert household or Lifetime Fitness. The last couple of days I’ve just been feeling kinda down. I was letting myself get frustrated about some things and was having a hard time just letting God have it. Not “let Him have it” like I was going to punch Him or yell at Him, let Him have it like just casting my cares on Him. Thought that might be a good one to clarify. So anyway, today I had all this free time and no clue what to do with it. I called my parents up thinking I’d escape to their house and spend some time with them and stay the night with them, but go figure, my parents are pretty popular and already had plans for the day- with my sister and her family so there went my other friends and form of escape (okay you all know you mean much more to me than just a form of escape, but be encouraged that being with you is like vacation- an enjoyable time and not a form of stress or strain). So obviously, God had some other plans for me. I had not read my Bible yet today or done my Beth Moore study and I had been thinking about when I’d do that stuff but hadn’t really made it the focus of my day. Now it was all I had. Wow God, You are all I have. Hmm…weird that I didn’t realize that already huh? Bet that made Him feel even more special than my sister being called a “source of escape.” But as I drove along, looking for a Starbucks to park my booty in while reading, I just thought about how I just really needed to be in His Word. Psalm 19 says “The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul,” and Psalm 23 tells me “God restores my soul.” He knows how desperately I need restoration on a regular basis. And it is silly for me to think that I am going to get restoration from Him by just living life aimlessly. You know what one of the things I read in my reading today at Starbucks was? God was telling the Israelites to “diligently listen to the voice of the LORD (Ex 15:26).” That word diligently stuck out to me because it implies a pro-active sort of listening. We need to TRY to listen and we need to keep at it and we need to do it regularly. All these things are in that word diligent. And by “we” I mean “I”. A lot of times I want God to speak to me and I just wish He’d do it audibly and I get whiney and frustrated because I feel like He is silent. God is not silent. He’s given me an entire book where He’s talking to me. I can silence God by keeping that book closed but He is not silent.
So I went to Starbucks and plopped myself down in a chair and stuck my feet up on another chair and propped my Bible up on my lap and I sipped on a skinny latte to help me stay warm and awake (just a note, I don’t recommend the skinny latte for lack of favorable flavor) and I went on to be moved and rebuked and encouraged and inspired by what God was saying to me. Do you realize how much Jesus loves us? Do you know how much He longs to have you know Him and to let God the Father be YOUR Father? If you have forgotten how much, or just never knew, then go read Luke 12. Jesus tells us not to be anxious- about ANYTHING. And why not? Because God values you. Okay let’s not gloss over that statement. In fact let’s say it again a few times, emphasizing each part. GOD values you. God VALUES you. God values YOU. Are you seeing the weight of this statement? How did this not impact me before? God values the birds and He takes care of them but how much more valuable are you? Do I forget what makes something valuable? It is whether or not God finds it valuable- worthy of love and care. Why are love and trust and integrity important? Because God values these things. If He didn’t value them, why would we? So when the writer says in Luke, “Of how much more value are you than the birds?” He is not talking about inherent value, He is saying that we are valuable to GOD. He truly loves us.
We see that love again as Jesus tells us in verse 32, “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” What kingdom? His kingdom. He actually enjoys, finds pleasure in, letting us be a part of His kingdom. Can you imagine if you were a physical orphan and a family came along with a father who said, “I love you and want you to be my child and I would be absolutely delighted to give you a place in our house and to shower my love on you. I don’t want you to worry another minute about what’s to become of you or what you’re going to eat or wear. I want you to leave that up to me.” And can you imagine turning that down? Can you imagine accepting the offer but then never acknowledging that father as yours? Never spending time talking to him, still referring to him as ‘sir’ or just spending all your time out of the house or in your room? That is how I so often treat my Heavenly Father who has given me abundantly more than the father in the earthly situation I described. Jesus lovingly called us “little flock.” He knows that we’re like sheep- He knows we are fearful and we are wandering and we’re just trying to figure out where to go. He longs to be our shepherd. He wants us to follow Him right on in to the kingdom where there is peace and light and love.
Will I not trust in this God, in MY Father on nights like tonight when I feel lonely? When I’m looking to the future and unsure of what I see? When I am exasperated with someone?
So this post is perhaps beginning to rival the longest blog ever written (maybe I’ll send a copy in to Guinness) but I have to keep going because there was more that God showed me (and really, I promise I’m not even writing everything!). So I moved on to my Beth Moore study which is going through the Psalms of Ascent. Today I read Psalm 121. It took on new meaning for me. It’s times like those- when I’m reading something I’ve read a bunch of times as though I’m reading it for the first time, that I see that God’s word really is living and active. What other words can you read so many times and even on the twentieth time find new life in them?
The Psalm starts out, “I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
I never realized before Beth pointed out to me that these Psalms were written about the Jews’ journey to Jerusalem. Those Psalms were songs sung while on a journey. Suddenly the phrase, “I raise my eyes toward the mountains” makes more sense to me. I never really thought about it before- those mountains are an obstacle on a journey. How many times while going down our personal path in life do we look ahead and see mountains looming in the distance? Mountains we know we’re going to have to climb…Do we look at them and worry? Do we wonder how we’re ever going to make it up? Do we wonder if we’ll run out of water? Do we worry about what sorts of things we might meet on the path? Snakes or bandits or weariness? Do we ask ourselves, “where is my help going to come from”? Once we ask ourselves, how do we answer? Do we draw a blank and only start to imagine what kinds of horrible things might happen to us? Do we start trying to make provisions for ourselves, relying on our own strength and craftiness? Do we start trying to devise a way to get around the mountains? Or do we do as the Psalmist does, and remind ourselves that our help is in the LORD? So much is being said right there- “My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. In Hebrew names carry a lot of meaning. Names are given to reveal something about that person. Think of how often you read “and so and so was named __________ because he was _______.” LORD is a way of saying Yahweh and Yahweh means a covenant maker/keeper. So I know that my help is coming from the one who has made a covenant with me- to be my Father, to take care of me, to value me and care for more than the birds He cares for. Not only that, but my help is from the Maker of Heaven and Earth. That let’s me know that not only has my God made a promise to keep me, but He’s the one who made everything that exists- that gives me a lot of confidence that He is able to carry out the promises He’s making. The Psalmist then gives me even more reason to be assured in my LORD- “He will not allow your foot to slip.” It doesn’t matter how steep the climb gets or how rocky or rugged the terrain. The Psalmist then says, “your Protector will not slumber.” That’s right MY protector. My God, my Father, is personally attending to me as He leads me through the mountains…He is protecting me.
This tells me a lot. First of all, when I look ahead and see mountains, or when I feel like I’m currently standing on a rocky ledge, I know that I am not alone, that I am not just wandering, and that whatever comes at me was allowed to come at me for my good. When Israel went into the desert after escaping Pharaoh, God let them get pretty thirsty! He let them walk with NO water for THREE days! I can’t imagine they felt very comfortable with that. They probably started thinking, “how is this helpful God? Pretty sure I’m literally dying of thirst!” But He was allowing that thirst so that they could turn to Him to quench it. God is going to let me get thirsty some times. He’s going to let me get hungry. He’s going to let people pursue me when my back is up against the wall and the only place to go is to ford a river. He’s going to allow those things so that He can quench my thirst, so that He can feed me, so that He can take me across on dry ground, and so that when my thirst is quenched, when my hunger is satisfied, and when I’ve set my feet on the other side of the river, I will do as the Israelites did- know Him, fear Him, and praise Him.
All of this tonight was like a feast. I expected to sit down with my Bible and maybe walk away with a few little crumbs that I’d put in my pocket and pull out sometime later. God probably listened to my thoughts and laughed and maybe even rolled His eyes as He set out a turkey dinner for me in His word. I left stuffed, so stuffed that well, just like it might happen when you eat too much, some of it came out of me. Or maybe a prettier picture would be to say that after you eat a great meal, what do you do? You talk about it of course! Especially to people that weren’t there! That’s why I had to get on here tonight and write this blog. And maybe, just maybe, my family all went to the snow together today so that I would sit down and take the time to feast and then to actually type this out. Is my Shepherd in charge of each step or not?
Monday, December 17, 2007
Santa Came Early
Well tonight at the Gilbert household we had an extra early Christmas celebration. The Gilberts will be going out to Tejas on Thurs and so they decided to celebrate with people here tonight...Ginger decided it'd be easier to have the kids open all their presents here cuz it's easier than taking all of them on the trip...I'm so glad! It was one of the most enjoyable times of my life, watching the little babies open their presents. At first they didn't really get it, but they caught on reeeeeeeal quick. The first big box sat in front of them for the two of them to devour...Aspen didn't even look at it, Annalise started whacking it like it was a drum...It was a great gift...Oh, but then someone pulled the paper back and the girls caught a glimpse of what was inside! It was a box full of Disney Princess shoes! Aspen got so excited, she was waving her arms and responding like those people you see on Extreme Home Makeover when they finally get to see the finished product...It was wonderful! Later on they got a box of Princess/ballet clothes and they were so excited to start putting them on! Chubby little Aspen in a metallic magenta leotard and tutu while wearing red Jasmine high heels...priceless...I gave all three girls each a box of crayons and coloring book...Annalise spent the rest of the night opening and closing her box, pulling the crayons out and putting them back in....especially after the bottom of the box got opened and all the crayons would just slide right through. She also spent a short time coloring a page of her new Strawberry Shortcake coloring book all black...Strawberry has never looked lovelier! Watching the little girls enjoy those gifts was so much fun, my heart almost hurt taking in the cuteness! I am falling more and more in love with those babies every day, tonight was magical. This was another time that I saw it is truly better to give than to receive!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Creepy Roads, Great Thoughts
Well first off, let me just apologize to my audience, my following, my groupies who read my blog. Yes, Amanda and Megan, I'm sorry that I have not been a faithful blogger. Well I guess "faithful" is all relative. Where do you draw the line between faithful and unfaithful? Are we creating a blogging law in our hearts? Anyway....so I thought I'd get on real quick and partially redeem myself, though I don't know if what I'm about to type will really redeem anything but anyway (Megan, are you "dinging" me already in this long intro?)...
So I was driving home tonight from my sister's house and it was really dark due to the lack of street lights in that long stretch of road, and so I'll be honest, from the time I got to my car I was a little creeped out and my vivid imagination started going through all the ways I could possibly end up being captured or tortured or captured and tortured by all the unseen freaky people in the darkness...(because everyone knows that creepy freaky people love to hang out on the side of dark empty roads...it's like how nerdy people love to play computer games)...So I decided it'd be a pretty good time to turn up the music in the car and start thinking about something else. Right away the songs that came on were speaking to the conversation that Megan and I had JUST had. We talked about how we just can question our beliefs, or feel that God is not so personal as He really is, or seehow we're just so stinking dependent on Him but we're in denial about it and yet also partially upset about it...So anyway, in response to all this, the lyrics to the song starts off, "Our God is the God of gods, Our Lord is the Lord of Kings" and goes on to say, "His sovereign rule will last forever
His kingdom won't decline or fall
He does as He pleases both in Heaven and Earth
Who am I that I should question Him at all?
He lifts up kings and brings them low again
He shows us what is right from wrong
God of all time we give You thanks and praise
For You have made us wise and You have made us strong
Everything He does is right and all His ways are just..."
Holy cow did I need to hear that right then. It was like Aaron Shust had climbed into my head and listened to my thoughts and then written the exact words I needed to be reminded of. Maybe he did...he's kinda a small guy...creepy...I wonder if he was on the side of the road..(okay, sorry Aaron that I would accuse you of being a side of the road guy). Anyway, the point was that then the next song was talking about how we just need God to hold onto us and how we want to hear His voice, again what I was just saying to Meg....I had this realization how Aaron Shust was such a blessing to me right then. I was thinking about how perhaps God had purposed for me to put that particular cd in at that particular time and had that particular song come on at just the right moment...The songs I was listening to are the songs on the cd I usually skip over...sorry Aaron, it's just that I was so enamored with these two other songs that I kept wanting to just listen to them! But this time I didn't skip and God really blessed me, which only fed my faith...
So again, I was thinking how God had used those songs, and had used Aaron Shust's talent to glorify Himself because that talent led me to think more highly of God. I realized that many times I've wondered about how people decide to stay here in the states and travel around and put on shows and sell cds and how "spiritual" that is when people are dying for lack of food physically and dying spiritually for lack of hearing and believing...but this just kicked my dumb, unbiblical thoughts (f0r are we not a body with different gifts and services?) in the gut and shoved my face into reality that God uses people in so many different ways to bring about His honor...So anyway. I saw that the Christian music industry really can be a huge ministry (I know I know, so stupid that sometimes I start questioning that. I am sorry I'm retarded!) and I saw that God really is sovereign over the details of life, and who knows, perhaps He let me get all creeped out in the dark just so that I would turn up the volume...Care to comment? (Amanda, that was for you)...
So I was driving home tonight from my sister's house and it was really dark due to the lack of street lights in that long stretch of road, and so I'll be honest, from the time I got to my car I was a little creeped out and my vivid imagination started going through all the ways I could possibly end up being captured or tortured or captured and tortured by all the unseen freaky people in the darkness...(because everyone knows that creepy freaky people love to hang out on the side of dark empty roads...it's like how nerdy people love to play computer games)...So I decided it'd be a pretty good time to turn up the music in the car and start thinking about something else. Right away the songs that came on were speaking to the conversation that Megan and I had JUST had. We talked about how we just can question our beliefs, or feel that God is not so personal as He really is, or seehow we're just so stinking dependent on Him but we're in denial about it and yet also partially upset about it...So anyway, in response to all this, the lyrics to the song starts off, "Our God is the God of gods, Our Lord is the Lord of Kings" and goes on to say, "His sovereign rule will last forever
His kingdom won't decline or fall
He does as He pleases both in Heaven and Earth
Who am I that I should question Him at all?
He lifts up kings and brings them low again
He shows us what is right from wrong
God of all time we give You thanks and praise
For You have made us wise and You have made us strong
Everything He does is right and all His ways are just..."
Holy cow did I need to hear that right then. It was like Aaron Shust had climbed into my head and listened to my thoughts and then written the exact words I needed to be reminded of. Maybe he did...he's kinda a small guy...creepy...I wonder if he was on the side of the road..(okay, sorry Aaron that I would accuse you of being a side of the road guy). Anyway, the point was that then the next song was talking about how we just need God to hold onto us and how we want to hear His voice, again what I was just saying to Meg....I had this realization how Aaron Shust was such a blessing to me right then. I was thinking about how perhaps God had purposed for me to put that particular cd in at that particular time and had that particular song come on at just the right moment...The songs I was listening to are the songs on the cd I usually skip over...sorry Aaron, it's just that I was so enamored with these two other songs that I kept wanting to just listen to them! But this time I didn't skip and God really blessed me, which only fed my faith...
So again, I was thinking how God had used those songs, and had used Aaron Shust's talent to glorify Himself because that talent led me to think more highly of God. I realized that many times I've wondered about how people decide to stay here in the states and travel around and put on shows and sell cds and how "spiritual" that is when people are dying for lack of food physically and dying spiritually for lack of hearing and believing...but this just kicked my dumb, unbiblical thoughts (f0r are we not a body with different gifts and services?) in the gut and shoved my face into reality that God uses people in so many different ways to bring about His honor...So anyway. I saw that the Christian music industry really can be a huge ministry (I know I know, so stupid that sometimes I start questioning that. I am sorry I'm retarded!) and I saw that God really is sovereign over the details of life, and who knows, perhaps He let me get all creeped out in the dark just so that I would turn up the volume...Care to comment? (Amanda, that was for you)...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Little Gifts
Well here it is now, weeks since my last post. I had planned to blog this deep essay on the details of my birthday celebration, and then another on my thoughts on something profound I learned in a Bible study, of course I can't now even remember what it was on, and then I started actually writing this whole other blog on some of the lessons I'm learning from the kids, which I think maybe I will someday actually re-write, but who knows, a lot of goals are set and never reached by me in terms of blogging...Anyway, so today I'm just thankful for little gifts. Today was kinda a hard day in some aspects. I was trying to make a big decision and just feeling overwhelmed by it, and afraid of failing of course. This, as usual, led me to despair at my lack of faith in the Lord and in His control over my mistakes and decisions...I got in the shower this afternoon, after returning from the gym and honestly thought to myself, "oh good, I can get in the shower and just cry and no one will hear me and it will feel so good." Well when I got out of the shower I honestly thought, "oh shoot! I forgot to cry!" So apparently my mind wandered onto some other topic that was less upsetting while I was showering! So that was one little gift I think. Then I came over to the computer )after I was all dried and changed of course) and a few minutes later I hear little footsteps and I look over and little Aspen toddled up, with neon pink swimming goggles on...then she went and pulled up a little chair next to me and stood on it so she'd be tall enough to comb my hair...I just thought, "thanks God for these little moments!"
Of course, just now she was trying to hide from me while holding a bottle of children's tylenol and then threw a fit when I took it away and then her sister started throwing a fit because she wanted me to hold her at exactly that moment and I wouldn't...but again, I just have to trust...I opened my email just a few minutes ago and this verse was in an email from my mom:
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and whose trust is the LORD,
for he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends it roots by the stream,
and will not fear when the heat comes, but its leaves will be green,
and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield its fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Amen to that! I pray that He would help me to be such a (wo)man!
Of course, just now she was trying to hide from me while holding a bottle of children's tylenol and then threw a fit when I took it away and then her sister started throwing a fit because she wanted me to hold her at exactly that moment and I wouldn't...but again, I just have to trust...I opened my email just a few minutes ago and this verse was in an email from my mom:
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and whose trust is the LORD,
for he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends it roots by the stream,
and will not fear when the heat comes, but its leaves will be green,
and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield its fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Amen to that! I pray that He would help me to be such a (wo)man!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
My Birthday
Well here it is, September 27th, 2007. I am now 24 years old. It's so weird how time can crawl by or fly by even though the clock is always ticking at the same rate...or at least we think it is. Dun dun duuuuuuh....(that was my climactic theme music, I hope my try at phonetic spelling made that clear...) ...Anyway, it seems like not too long ago when my birthday was the epitome of fun and glory and I couldn't wait for the party my mom would throw me where there'd be some theme running through the decor, the games, and the cake. Usually there'd be some mass gathering of small girls, which of course always makes for a good time, and most importanly, a wide variety of presents...I used to count down the days till my birthday, eagerly ancticipating the moment I'd wake up to that wondrous day much like the feeling of Christmas morning...Yet it's been years since I've had such anticipation mounting or a countdown or a party...Something happens as you grow older...Well for some of us anyway. Some people simply start to dislike the process of aging, wanting to stay eternally 17 for some reason...Others simply stop celebrating themselves...As I turn another year older I find that birthdays, like New Year's, are a good time to reflect and stop and ask yourself what you're doing with the time you have. I guess this is where I tend to get a little discouraged on my birthdays. I am like, What am I doing? There is still this prideful part of me that feels like I should be accomplishing some great thing that will give my life more substance. I realized this last night as, yet again, I couldn't fall asleep. I realized how sad that as a Christian I still measure my life in this way. I want to be faithful to the Lord and I want to serve Him in any way He asks me- which can be small or big to human eyes, but I'm pretty sure are all the same to Him. In this job I've started to understand the restlessness that some stay at home moms feel. You spend most of your time in the house speaking to small children and part of you feels like you should be out participating in the world...Yet I know God has put me in this place and I know that He is teaching me a lot about Him and about myself. So really, there is nothing better to accomplish than exactly what's being accomplished right now- and not by me, but by my God....I know that I will never find fulfillment in anything but being His child and my disatisfaction only comes from immaturity spiritually...
So anyway, my birthday now brings about a lot more reflection than it does giddyness, or however that should be spelled, (I'm pretty sure Paul will help me out with that) but I am thankful to the Lord for another year on this earth that I grew in knowing Him and I pray that if I am to live to another birthday that I will only see more growth in faith, more humility, and a continual pursuit of Him.
So anyway, my birthday now brings about a lot more reflection than it does giddyness, or however that should be spelled, (I'm pretty sure Paul will help me out with that) but I am thankful to the Lord for another year on this earth that I grew in knowing Him and I pray that if I am to live to another birthday that I will only see more growth in faith, more humility, and a continual pursuit of Him.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
"Racquet Ball"
okay, so my sister and i have recently taken up racquet ball...we're such amateurs that, I'll admit, just now when typing the name of it, I was unsure if I was spelling it correctly and had to google it...shameful...
I put the title with the quotations like that because we use the term "racquet ball" very very loosely...We actually spend very little time "racquetting" the ball, so to speak. There are a few minor inhibitors to that happening more frequently:
I put the title with the quotations like that because we use the term "racquet ball" very very loosely...We actually spend very little time "racquetting" the ball, so to speak. There are a few minor inhibitors to that happening more frequently:
- Our ridiculous fear of the ball hitting us instead of us hitting the ball(she did in fact get hit by the ball today and it was quite humorous and also, unfortunately, quite painful. Needless to say this did little to deter further fear of the ball).
- Our inability to master hand-eye coordination (it's like suddenly I'm the most unathletic person who ever existed...no one watching would ever think I'd competed at anything in the collegiate level).
- Our recurring habit of stopping mid-game to have deep philosophical and theological conversations that drive us to question the purpose of our lives and asking ourselves whether we are fulfilling that purpose and analyzing our sin and failures...of course this somehow often begins while one of us is mid-hit and thus we lose any ability to hear the other person- have you ever tried to talk in a racquetball court? Nearly impossible! And to make it much worse, imagine yourself lunging for the ball while asking, what do you think are the deep hidden intentions of my heart when I'm sitting on the couch with a gallon of Ben & Jerry's and I'm crying because my child was mean to me? Now imagine trying to return a hit while also trying to answer that question!
Anyway, despite these factors, there has been some improvement! Tonight we were able to remove our "two bounces allowed" rule and also agree to remove the rule that the same person can hit the ball as many times in a row as they want to...
More importantly than this, we were able to really think about where we're at in life right now. I think each year we get surprised that another year has passed...that we're that much further out of our high school and college days- that much further from our childhood days and deeper into our "grown up" days...it's a strange transition. For me it's a whole lot weirder than the transfer into the teenage years. Those weren't so tumultuous for me as novelists and sitcom writers would have you believe they are for everyone conscious from age 12-18....I didn't question myself in life, what am I doing? where am I going? During those times it was obvious...But Megs and I were able to realize that we both want to take ownership of our lives- to lay hold of the time God gives us and the abilities He's given us and to use them vigorously, passionately, and unashamedly for Him. We don't want to hold back under the guise of "practicality" or get caught up in the social 'norm.' We don't want the goal of our lives to be paying the bills till we retire, or even to just enjoy the time we have. We want to use this time to discover and practice the meaning of loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and we want to draw others into this great discovery as well...We started thinking more concretely about what our gifts are and how we can really use them in new ways to fulfill the aforementioned purpose...
One other great idea we had came from a somewhat humorous yet painful thought...We somehow started talking about how many people in our world are overweight, yet at the same time there is an alarming number of people who are starving to death...While I'm overeating, someone else is undereating...I jokingly said that next time I walk into the pantry and pull something out that I am not hungry for, instead of eating it I wish I could wrap it up and mail it to some hungry person across the ocean...Well this in reality may not happen, but in essence we could try to make this happen...The idea is that we will look at the budget we have for groceries for a month, take one-fourth of that and set it aside, and then force ourselves to ration our food to last longer than it does, giving that one-fourth towards feeding hungry people...This may sound ridiculous or it may sound sacrificial, I'm not sure yet...I just hope that in the end, it's not something that just sounds one way or another, I hope it's a reality that really is one way or another...
Anyway...yes, all of these thoughts came from our new beloved hobby, "Racquet ball"...I'm still trying to think of something else to call it...right now "racquet ball" is code for standing in a plexi-glass room and talking while wearing ridiculous goggles and holding racquets...I think it'd be so great to have some fun play on words or conglomeration of words that we could rename this time...
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