What's the Point?

The last couple days this question has been popping into my head. What is the point?

It pops into my head at different times. Like, when I'm getting ready to go and I'm curling my hair and putting on make up and I'm thinking, "what is the point of being pretty?" Why am I trying to be pretty, what's the point? What does it get me? What does it get someone else?


Last night at the mall I was looking at the beautiful displays of clothes in Gap's front windows. And I wondered, "what's the point"? What is the point of dressing well and of having trendy outfits? Again I wonder, what will wearing that stuff do for me? I was in Buckle, trying to find a pair of jeans that are actually long enough for me, and the sales girl brought me a pair of pants that cost $110. They fit great. She asked me how I liked them and I told her that I did, but I said, "honestly, I just don't want to pay that much money." She proceeded to tell me how some people just love a good pair of jeans and the money is worth it to them because they love jeans that much. I am not slamming people that spend that kind of money on jeans, but it just made me think, do I want jeans to mean that much to me? What's the point?


The other day I was hanging out with a friend and we were being so goofy. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I even cried a little from laughing so hard. But I left, and I felt a little empty. And I wondered, what's the point?

Now I definitely don't think that I need to be a plain/ugly, poorly dressed, always serious drag of a person, but I do want to think about what I'm doing. I want to know what the point is.

Tonight while I was driving home from church the thought came into my head- "you are trying to make your heaven down here." It clicked. Now that I think about it, maybe that was the Holy Spirit talking to me? I don't know. Regardless, it's true and it is so easy to fall into. I start trying to make this life my heaven. I want it to be comfy, cozy, careless, safe, fun, etc etc etc. I want my heaven here and now. That is not what God put me for. He has told me repeatedly that heaven is coming. And that I must put treasure in that heaven, investing for a later day, and I must live for that day here. I must give up myself while I'm here and I must live to serve.

I want to keep thinking through this and to figure out how to live this out. How to be joyful but not full of empty mirth. How to spend money. How to spend time. How to thirst after God and heaven and not try to make a heaven right here out of the earth. Jesus said that in this world I'd have suffering but I am working so hard to avoid the smallest discomforts...

Will I be bold enough to stop building?

I HEART NYC!

(Ok, disclaimer, I wrote this a while ago,in June, it's taken me this long to put it up...)
This past week something unexpected and incredible happened to me (which I guess unexpected is probably one of the prerequisites for something being incredible). But anyway, so something wonderful happened to me – I fell in love…with New York City.

I’ve heard a variety of things about NYC. I’ve heard about its hustle and bustle, and its excitement and the seemingly endless venues for art and culture. I’ve heard about how the city is dirty and overcrowded and unsafe to be alone in at night. In the excitement of preparing for my trip there I had that little voice of reason in the back of my head that was fretting over whether or not my excitement would be fulfilled or if my anticipation would be slightly disappointed.

Well it turns out my anticipation was more than fulfilled. I loved every part of my trip. I loved the clash of cultures that you find in the Big Apple. To sit in the park and hear one accent after another as people chat, laugh, yell, and peddle, seemed to be the perfect living description of what America is all about. Lady Liberty stands to welcome anyone to come into her harbor to make a new life and here they are, in central park, in the subway station on their way to work, in the deli, living, loving, struggling, to forge a life in the land of freedom.

I loved walking down one street to see Chinese markets and grab a dinner of real Chinese food, though I passed up the ducks hanging in the front window, and then moving on a couple of blocks to get some Canoli in Little Italy. I loved to see the little Chinese women carrying their babies on their backs, and then having Italian men, calling out to passersby to entice them into their cafes for a meal from the Old Country.

I walk a few blocks more and I am surrounded by trendy shops, artful buildings sprinkled with an old church here and there. The wonderful mix of old brick and new metal and glass buildings delight my architectural eye. In those worlds of concrete and structure there is frequently an interruption of green and trees and flowers where children can play and adults sit reading on benches. No one is hiding behind backyard walls, everyone is out together, interacting in this great scene of New York Life.


The Street vendors are frequent with their foods with their delicious scents- hot dogs, roasted nuts, kababs; no street is without a salesman. Each salesman seems bored until you start making a purchase and it seems his countenance gets brighter with each step of transaction. They wish you well as you walk away delighted with your purchase.

I loved seeing parts of my nation’s history- part of my history. It was like I was discovering part of what allows me to be who I am. The great statue stands to tell the world that we are free and open and full of opportunity. Ellis Island was full of stories of the hardships people endured to make a new way for themselves and their families- of sacrifices, dreams, disappointments, and legacies.

I saw the gaping hole of 9/11. I recalled the image seared into my mind of that morning, watching on my television with disbelief and horror what others were simultaneously experiencing when the towers collapsed. Now I saw how the city was moving on, how the land would be healed, the people are healing, and how God has restored so many. I felt anger towards those who would make war against our people- those people I saw in the parks and cafes and on the streets, who believe in freedom and hard work and independence. I felt sorrow for those who’d lost so much when the buildings fell, and I felt pride for those who’d sacrificed so much to help their fellow Americans- to clean up, to rebuild, to replant, to move on and yet to remember.


I experienced the doleful attitudes of those confined to work in booths of all sorts, and the eager helpfulness of strangers on the subways and on the streets. I met people proud of their city and eager to help others experience all it has to offer.

I experienced the vibrant worship of the Brooklyn Tabernacle. The choir rejoiced and the people along with it. The pastor challenged us to give our whole selves to God, not withholding anything, even our most prized possessions or ideas.

New York City is a beautiful place.I hope I will one day return to that great city and continue to explore. But with all it has to offer it is not void of problems- one only has to watch the news or read the paper to learn that. It has its warts and stains and troubles like any other place. Yet at the same time it is like nothing else I've experienced, a great mosaic of color and sound and motion. It is a melding of history with modernity. It is filled with the people of the world that God loves. I pray that New Yorkers would see past their giant city and its charms, surely it has many, and see that there is another city, whose foundations are not man-made; whose splendors will never need refurbishing, whose delights will never disappoint, and more than satisfy for life. I pray that they would know that their laughing, crying, living, and dying takes place under the watch of a Great God who loves them.

I'm Back, but Just as Confused as Ever

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. Anything on paper that is. I must’ve written about a hundred blogs in my head. Days go by where much of my thinking is spent on various topics, with an author’s tone taking over as if I’m addressing a group and not merely thinking to myself. There’ve been many nights where as badly as I want to be sleeping I cannot slow down the train of thoughts that whiz through the space between my ears. And just as a train passing by at its highest speeds becomes not a train at all but an image of colors and light and sound rushing through the air, so my thoughts may fly by me quickly, without a certain shape and form. Unlike a train my thoughts are not held down to go in one direction, at any moment they seem to change and evolve, at times like a tornado to pick up and hop over a topic and set back down someplace else entirely. All the while however, those thoughts are whirling, and spinning , and creating a maddening energy that I simply want to dissipate so that once again I sense the calm that was before the storm began.

I think on the one hand it is silly that I don’t write more. There is so much that I could say, so much that I probably need to get onto paper because things kept in my head never get sorted out. My thoughts need time to stretch their legs, to roam free and to find a destination. Locked inside my head they get jumbled and confused, much like the necklaces I keep squishing into a small jewelry bag. Though I put them in separately, whenever I go back and open the bag again they are inevitably a mass of tangles. So my thoughts so often seem to be.

On the other hand, I go through phases with my thoughts. Sometimes I think I’ve wrestled them down. I think, most curious of all, that I know what I think, and that I’m ready to commit to cementing them with ink. But just when it seems that I’ve got it all straight, a cog falls off and the wheels start running away in different directions and the whole machine has run down again.
Today I realized something that may be good, but perhaps is troublesome for me. I don’t think it’s any surprise to say that I’m an analytical person, or that I am introspective. However, at the same time, I am completely emotional. I want feelings and tears and laughter and joy. I want meaning and purpose and depth.

The two will not always appease each other. My mind is hungry for reason and logic. I have cried oftentimes at my inability to understand the things that I believe will bring me the highest passion and in my mind, the highest purpose.

I don’t want to be like either camp that seems to be found in the world around me- the camp of science which says there is nothing real that I can’t touch or measure, or the camp that says knowledge matters for nothing, only what I feel is important…
Both are wrong; both are death. What good is a body of only bones? What good is a heart without a skeleton? Most of all, what good is a man without a soul? Before God breathed in Adam he was but dust. And so, without the soul, dust is all we would be. Without heart and muscle we are good for nothing but burial. Without bone and soul we are nothing more than meat.

I don’t want to be like those whose reality lays only in experience yet I feel I go crazy for lack of spiritual experience. What is it that others speak of when they say they delight in God’s presence? When they are calmed by His still voice? When they are sure of His guidance?
I pray. I pause, I wait for something. A thought? A feeling? A nudge? A whisper? A sign? I know not what. I have this knowledge that says I ought to be satisfied. I have been given a relationship with the All-satisfying One. I hear others speak of their satisfaction, of their peace, of their wholeness…What have I done wrong or not done right? Where did I miss a turn? Did I sleep in too many mornings? Have I not wanted it enough? How do I get myself to want it more?

I try to conjure the feelings. I try to create a response within myself. I hope for an experience that breaks the ice above my head and leaves me at last, drinking in the air and freedom of the open above me. Inhaling that delicious satisfaction that heals and takes me past a point that I will never go back to.

But right now I seem to be on the Ferris Wheel again. Each time I think I’ve come over the top, for that moment when everything around me is clear and I can see for miles, and I believe I’ve seen my last day at the bottom, then somehow my sun once more turns to twilight and I find myself dropping down, down, down, and I can’t get off the ride. The bottom comes once more and I tell myself I need only wait, stay focused, and I will be lifted again to the heights…

The trouble is, I know that it’s in me that this problem lays, it must right? I am not forced onto the ride, but have created it in my own mind. My experience tells me that I am rising and falling, but so does that of a man with vertigo though he has never gotten off the couch...

Oh to see clearly the road I am walking on, to understand the shallows of my own heart, and even more the depths of its creator. To end the ups and the downs and to be one of those called “faithful” or “constant”, one of those who believes without seeing…

Last night I went to a friend's baptism...as I sat in the service my thoughts took flight as usual...this time to:

Father I don’t understand…”My grace is sufficient for you.”
Father I don’t want you enough or love You enough….”My grace is sufficient for you.”
I can’t DO this. I don’t know how to and I don’t have the power anyway…I am weak…”My grace is sufficient for you.”
What will become of me? How will I get up again? “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness”
Most gladly therefore I boast in my weaknesses because when I am weak Christ is strong. I will wait once more for the fog to lift and hope once again that it will never return...

Chance Meeting

Tonight I saw someone I used to be close to. Those are always weird moments when someone from your past suddenly shows up in your present and you have that awkward catch up conversation that is a joke because it's ridiculous how much of your life you are summing up in 60 seconds...And it's always that weird feeling of "I used to know you"...This situation was even more awkard because of the background of our friendship...It hasn't been all sunshine and flowers...

I think that my mind immediately becomes a battleground in these kinds of situations. Satan would love for me to assume all sorts of things and focus on a lot of things that aren't true. I have to fight each thought and remember what God wants me to do- love. And in loving, assume the best.

In these times when my thoughts start raging against each other and I'm fighting for a momen'ts peace in my mind I like to just give up the fight all together. I want to just pre-occupy myself with something different entirely. But I know that those thoughts are only going to lay dormant and then resurface again later if I don't deal with them.

The truth is, me and this person, well we both hurt each other. And the truth is that is hard. For lack of a better word, it sucks. The absence of love, in any degree, is ugly and foul...Our humanity, in those times, becomes glaringly apparent...I have to remind myself of the truth and think on the things that are excellent and praiseworthy... The truth is, both of us love the Lord. The truth is both of us are trying to love people too. And the truth is, both of us have not always loved each other the way that Jesus would have us love each other. I'm probably the bigger culprit on that one too...Thankfully it's not a situation where we are bitter toward one another or anything like that, we have just been put down different paths...The glorious part is thinking how beautiful Christ's ideal is. To think if we loved like Jesus did then our relationship would have no bumps or dark rotten spots on it. Jesus' love is free of bruises.

The other part that I think is pretty fantastic is knowing that Jesus knows my failure to love like He does, and He wants to help me with that. He listens to me tell Him about my struggles and He forgives me when I ask Him...I'm so thankful for that.

Tonight when I got home I went in my room and sang a simple song-
Father of Lights, You delight in Your children.
Father of Lights, You never change, You have no turning.
Every good and perfect gift comes from You!

I'm so thankful that His love, unlike mine, never changes. He never changes. He will never know me less or more, He knows me fully and He loves me as I am and is changing me to be like Him.
That thought lifts my mood and makes me grateful that I didn't escape my thoughts but instead went for the truth. It makes me grateful that I can walk away from an encounter like that and praise the Lord.

Know Him, not the Future

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. Ok, yes I can. Who am I kidding? The other day I wrote at the top of my journal page three topics I want to write about on here and yet, as I sit here tonight, I don't think any of those things are going to make it.

I'm now living, with the Gilberts, at our Pastor's house with his family. We are one Full House ladies and gentlemen, but instead of three little girls and three grown men we've got 5 kids, 2 teens, one married couple and two single women (ah hem, one single woman, one engaged). It's not what one would call, normal. I have gotten used to being not normal though, been that way for a long time.

It's crazy that I'm already at this stage. When I signed up for this gig I really didn't know what the year would hold. I had no idea it would include living at my pastor's house or moving to Texas. I think that typifies my life though- unexpectedness. It's so weird how we always try to picture our lives. We have this strange idea of what we'll be like in a year, two years, ten years down the road. We think we know the sort of people we'll be, the house we'll live in, the job we'll work, etc. Why do we do this? Why do we have expectations and assumptions? Why is it so hard to just leave the unknown, well, unknown? I feel like God's been changing that in me ever since I went to college. Where before I could like into my crystal ball and come up with some sort of image of my future, now I look and it's like walking through a room with no windows. My eyes are open but I can't see anything in front of me. I have my hands out and I'm trying to feel my way along, my imagination wants to picture what might be there in the darkness, but I really have no idea. I also feel like when you're putting together a jig-saw puzzle, and you keep trying different pieces to fit where you laid your last piece, the piece of the present, and yet you just keep striking out. Nothing seems to fit right and that "right" piece, the piece of the next step into the future, eludes you. What does my future hold? Nothing fits my current piece it seems...and stink, I don't even have the edges put together...and on top of all that, I don't have the cover of the box to look at either...I just keep reminding myself that my life is NOT a puzzle, and even if it was, I am not the one who would put it together anyway...

People keep asking me what I'm going to do next, what's coming up for me after July. I just keep smiling and saying "I have no idea." And then I talk for a few minutes about possibilities that really, I don't feel like I'm really counting on, but I say them because I feel like I should say something, and then I realize I simply must stop and repeat myself, "I have NO idea."
Is this irresponsible? Should I have some plan B in case plan A isn't given to me in a vision in the night? Or in case God doesn't swoop down and put all the pieces in place for me? I don't know. I struggle with knowing if I'm being unwise, or perhaps I'm actually trusting. Panic has not set in, thank God (literally, I thank Him).

The one thing that I know that I want, and that I know I will want no matter what that next puzzle piece is, is to feel that I know the presence of God. I just keep telling myself the truth- "I will never leave you nor forsake you...I am with you always." God, I want to take you at your word, but I want to FEEL you! I want to feel you standing next to me, hemming me in before me and behind me, moving inside of me. What a God you tell us you are! Not only am I surrounded, but He is inside of me...if only I could feel that. I want to feel like we can just sit on the couch and talk, or that when I'm laying in my bed at night talking that You're right there, just right there hanging on every word...

This morning I did a little devotion with the kids. I am trying to teach them about God's love. I want them to be amazed by it, awed by it, infatuated with it, excited about it. I want those things too. I had one of the boys read John 3:16. He read it the way I think a lot of us feel it. For God so loved the world yada yada yada. Monotone. No feeling. He could have been saying "photosynthesis is the process by which plants create food from sunlight." I stopped him. I looked at the kids. I told them, do you realize what that's saying? God wasn't just like "eh, well, I guess I'll save 'em." No! He loved the world SO much! He loves you SOOOO much! My eyes got big, I started getting excited in my voice, "do you understand that guys? He loves you so much!" I asked them if they realized what Jesus gave up for them. What he took on for them. For me. Because He loves them. Because He loves me.

I asked the kids how that makes them feel. I asked myself why I don't feel more when I hear that and read that. Somehow so much of the weight of that statement bounces off my forehead. God I am too weak to take it in! Please don't let my ignorance keep me from realizing You! Please don't let me be hard hearted or distracted or too busy to slow down and take in your love for me. You have told me that your love is beyond knowledge, but that fact alone ought to impact me. I ought to feel that deep within me.

God, you love me so much, I want to love you back the way you ought to be loved. I want to know your presence because You are worth spending every moment with. I want to stand in the dark with you and feel ease and joy because I don't need to know the next step, better yet, I don't need a next step period. I only want to take steps that take me closer to you, and if I realize, really realize, that you are WITH me, then we can step anywhere or stay right here and it really does not matter.

I told someone the other day, I may live year to year for the rest of my life. It really makes no difference in the long run. I just want to say, like the apostle Paul, I know whom I have believed, and He is able to keep what He's entrusted until that day...I don't have to find some niche, I don't have to build a career or devote my life to a particular cause in this world besides knowing and serving my God. That is the cause, that is the sum of life- and eternal life is this, that they may know You."

God whatever is in front of me, whatever is going to happen in the next five minutes, the next five days, or the next five years, if I get all of it or none of it, I just want to know you. Be near oh God! Your nearness is to me my good! This is Plan A!

The World is bleeding, Throw it a Band-Aid!

Can't sleep right now. Got in bed, excited to be going to sleep, and then, as happens so often, my mind began racing and sleep began taunting me and jeering me, so I told sleep that he's overrated and I figured I'd sit down and type some of my thoughts. That will show him...

Well tonight I sat with a young black man at the gym where I was playing in a basketball league. In our conversation he confided that his sister-in-law's brother was just killed in L.A. Murdered, shot in the back six times by a rival gang member...He said that there are so many murders like that in LA that the police will probably never get the guy. He said that the victim's gang will probably get him before the police do...I asked this man what happens in those areas, why do young people want to be in gangs? Why do they become killers? I've heard the reasons before, but I wanted to hear it from someone who has been there. He told me about the poverty in those areas, the extreme drug use. He told me how most of those people have no education and kids grow up with parents who didn't make it through school and so they don't have any ambition to either. He said there is an extreme lack of education and a lack of role models.

At another time in my life I sat with a young man from Uganda. He told me that his brother has AIDS and his mom is sick and it is hard for his family to get food in the winters. He, a college student, was the provider for the family. He told me that one of the things he couldn't believe about America was how many hospitals we have for pets. He said where he's from there's not much for hospitals for people. At another time in my life I got to spend the afternoon at an orphanage in Costa Rica. I played with kids who were pretty content to be running around with a frisbee and took a lot of joy out of that despite the fact they were growing up with no parents and no family...

As I listened to that guy talk tonight, I just wanted to start crying. As I think through these few things I've mentioned and many many other stories of hardship that I've heard and witnessed, I just wonder, what are we doing? What am I doing? These aren't stories- these are real people with real heartache and real physical suffering and I'm pretty sure you could read through any one of the Gospels and figure out that Jesus was passionate about helping such people. I just feel like on a grand scale the church is failing in reaching people. I know that there are people reaching out, but I just feel like there are so many who aren't. I don't want to be like that. It's too easy to ignore the problem. If I don't know about the problem, don't think about the problem, then I also don't have to think about the solution. I don't have to be a part of the solution. I just keep praying that God will help me to focus on an area and to go after it. I don't want to live comfortably, I want to live effectively. On the otherhand, I think that sometimes we see all the problems in the world and we just get overwhelmed by it, we feel like there's too much to overcome and so we don't try. We don't chink away at anything. Sometimes we write a check and hope someone else will do the reaching for us. The world is bleeding and we are throwing it Band-Aids.

I thought about our propensity to be overwhelmed and then paralyzed by it...You know what came to mind? Twelve guys trying to take the news of one man's resurrection to the entire world. That in the face of immense persecution...In the face of very limited communication and very limited travel. They certainly gave up comfort. They threw that right out the window at the get go. We are so afraid of pain. I am so afraid of pain. I'm afraid of giving up the things that make me feel safe, that make me feel important, that make me feel validated, that make me feel loved, appreciated, and comforted. What am I gaining? What is anyone gaining by that kind of thinking? I started thinking tonight, are we looking at our lives thinking about what kind of house we might have or how we can improve our homes or are we thinking about how we can house someone else? Are we thinking about what kind of car we might get or are we thinking about how we can give someone a ride? Are we thinking about how we can avoid trouble and pain or are we thinking about how we can relieve someone else's? The question is not whether danger frightens us, it is whether danger immobilizes us...

Are we thinking about the time we will spend in heaven some day or are we thinking about how we can get someone else to go there?

God I am sorry that my life is so ingrown. I'm so sorry that my selfishness reaches levels inside of me that I don't even know about. I am sorry that I am even afraid to type these things for fear of having to live up to what I'm saying. I am sorry that I am afraid to give every last drop of myself for what you love- mercy, sacrifice, love for people, your glory. God please help me to be pro-active. Help your church to get off the couch. Thank you for those parts of your body who are reaching and bleeding and loving and showing You to the world. Please make the rest of us like them! Show us how to take a step.

Oh Just Read it!

Oftentimes I think of things to write about on this blog. I think you’d be pretty surprised, in fact, to know how often I really do think about things to write. I guess it is partially prideful on my part to think that I have that many things worth writing about that someone else would want to spend their time reading, but then my laziness takes over my pride and I don’t actually take the time to type out the thoughts that zoom through my head in an instant before switching on to really draining things like changing poopy diapers. Speaking of which, how do you spell “poopie”? My spell checker is underlining that word with red regardless of how I spell it. Perhaps Mr. Microsoft never faced a poopy diaper and thus never put the word in his dictionary. Most likely he too has a nanny and thus she is the one orchestrating such events as diapering and he is off somewhere swimming laps through his billions….Anyway, that right there is an example of why I rarely post, it is so difficult for me to stay on one topic.
So tonight I sat down to actually type out what I was thinking would be good for a blog because I actually felt like I should. I thought maybe what I’m going to write would actually be helpful to someone as opposed to something that they might just use as a distraction from something they should be doing- like changing a poopie (I just decided to use the spellings interchangeably) diaper, or doing homework. Some of you read my blogs and meanwhile children are sitting in their poop and papers are being left unwritten. I know who you people are.
Okay okay, so let me get down to it. So today I had some time off and I was really looking forward to it, just to the chance to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air that doesn’t occupy space at the Gilbert household or Lifetime Fitness. The last couple of days I’ve just been feeling kinda down. I was letting myself get frustrated about some things and was having a hard time just letting God have it. Not “let Him have it” like I was going to punch Him or yell at Him, let Him have it like just casting my cares on Him. Thought that might be a good one to clarify. So anyway, today I had all this free time and no clue what to do with it. I called my parents up thinking I’d escape to their house and spend some time with them and stay the night with them, but go figure, my parents are pretty popular and already had plans for the day- with my sister and her family so there went my other friends and form of escape (okay you all know you mean much more to me than just a form of escape, but be encouraged that being with you is like vacation- an enjoyable time and not a form of stress or strain). So obviously, God had some other plans for me. I had not read my Bible yet today or done my Beth Moore study and I had been thinking about when I’d do that stuff but hadn’t really made it the focus of my day. Now it was all I had. Wow God, You are all I have. Hmm…weird that I didn’t realize that already huh? Bet that made Him feel even more special than my sister being called a “source of escape.” But as I drove along, looking for a Starbucks to park my booty in while reading, I just thought about how I just really needed to be in His Word. Psalm 19 says “The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul,” and Psalm 23 tells me “God restores my soul.” He knows how desperately I need restoration on a regular basis. And it is silly for me to think that I am going to get restoration from Him by just living life aimlessly. You know what one of the things I read in my reading today at Starbucks was? God was telling the Israelites to “diligently listen to the voice of the LORD (Ex 15:26).” That word diligently stuck out to me because it implies a pro-active sort of listening. We need to TRY to listen and we need to keep at it and we need to do it regularly. All these things are in that word diligent. And by “we” I mean “I”. A lot of times I want God to speak to me and I just wish He’d do it audibly and I get whiney and frustrated because I feel like He is silent. God is not silent. He’s given me an entire book where He’s talking to me. I can silence God by keeping that book closed but He is not silent.
So I went to Starbucks and plopped myself down in a chair and stuck my feet up on another chair and propped my Bible up on my lap and I sipped on a skinny latte to help me stay warm and awake (just a note, I don’t recommend the skinny latte for lack of favorable flavor) and I went on to be moved and rebuked and encouraged and inspired by what God was saying to me. Do you realize how much Jesus loves us? Do you know how much He longs to have you know Him and to let God the Father be YOUR Father? If you have forgotten how much, or just never knew, then go read Luke 12. Jesus tells us not to be anxious- about ANYTHING. And why not? Because God values you. Okay let’s not gloss over that statement. In fact let’s say it again a few times, emphasizing each part. GOD values you. God VALUES you. God values YOU. Are you seeing the weight of this statement? How did this not impact me before? God values the birds and He takes care of them but how much more valuable are you? Do I forget what makes something valuable? It is whether or not God finds it valuable- worthy of love and care. Why are love and trust and integrity important? Because God values these things. If He didn’t value them, why would we? So when the writer says in Luke, “Of how much more value are you than the birds?” He is not talking about inherent value, He is saying that we are valuable to GOD. He truly loves us.
We see that love again as Jesus tells us in verse 32, “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” What kingdom? His kingdom. He actually enjoys, finds pleasure in, letting us be a part of His kingdom. Can you imagine if you were a physical orphan and a family came along with a father who said, “I love you and want you to be my child and I would be absolutely delighted to give you a place in our house and to shower my love on you. I don’t want you to worry another minute about what’s to become of you or what you’re going to eat or wear. I want you to leave that up to me.” And can you imagine turning that down? Can you imagine accepting the offer but then never acknowledging that father as yours? Never spending time talking to him, still referring to him as ‘sir’ or just spending all your time out of the house or in your room? That is how I so often treat my Heavenly Father who has given me abundantly more than the father in the earthly situation I described. Jesus lovingly called us “little flock.” He knows that we’re like sheep- He knows we are fearful and we are wandering and we’re just trying to figure out where to go. He longs to be our shepherd. He wants us to follow Him right on in to the kingdom where there is peace and light and love.
Will I not trust in this God, in MY Father on nights like tonight when I feel lonely? When I’m looking to the future and unsure of what I see? When I am exasperated with someone?
So this post is perhaps beginning to rival the longest blog ever written (maybe I’ll send a copy in to Guinness) but I have to keep going because there was more that God showed me (and really, I promise I’m not even writing everything!). So I moved on to my Beth Moore study which is going through the Psalms of Ascent. Today I read Psalm 121. It took on new meaning for me. It’s times like those- when I’m reading something I’ve read a bunch of times as though I’m reading it for the first time, that I see that God’s word really is living and active. What other words can you read so many times and even on the twentieth time find new life in them?
The Psalm starts out, “I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
I never realized before Beth pointed out to me that these Psalms were written about the Jews’ journey to Jerusalem. Those Psalms were songs sung while on a journey. Suddenly the phrase, “I raise my eyes toward the mountains” makes more sense to me. I never really thought about it before- those mountains are an obstacle on a journey. How many times while going down our personal path in life do we look ahead and see mountains looming in the distance? Mountains we know we’re going to have to climb…Do we look at them and worry? Do we wonder how we’re ever going to make it up? Do we wonder if we’ll run out of water? Do we worry about what sorts of things we might meet on the path? Snakes or bandits or weariness? Do we ask ourselves, “where is my help going to come from”? Once we ask ourselves, how do we answer? Do we draw a blank and only start to imagine what kinds of horrible things might happen to us? Do we start trying to make provisions for ourselves, relying on our own strength and craftiness? Do we start trying to devise a way to get around the mountains? Or do we do as the Psalmist does, and remind ourselves that our help is in the LORD? So much is being said right there- “My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. In Hebrew names carry a lot of meaning. Names are given to reveal something about that person. Think of how often you read “and so and so was named __________ because he was _______.” LORD is a way of saying Yahweh and Yahweh means a covenant maker/keeper. So I know that my help is coming from the one who has made a covenant with me- to be my Father, to take care of me, to value me and care for more than the birds He cares for. Not only that, but my help is from the Maker of Heaven and Earth. That let’s me know that not only has my God made a promise to keep me, but He’s the one who made everything that exists- that gives me a lot of confidence that He is able to carry out the promises He’s making. The Psalmist then gives me even more reason to be assured in my LORD- “He will not allow your foot to slip.” It doesn’t matter how steep the climb gets or how rocky or rugged the terrain. The Psalmist then says, “your Protector will not slumber.” That’s right MY protector. My God, my Father, is personally attending to me as He leads me through the mountains…He is protecting me.
This tells me a lot. First of all, when I look ahead and see mountains, or when I feel like I’m currently standing on a rocky ledge, I know that I am not alone, that I am not just wandering, and that whatever comes at me was allowed to come at me for my good. When Israel went into the desert after escaping Pharaoh, God let them get pretty thirsty! He let them walk with NO water for THREE days! I can’t imagine they felt very comfortable with that. They probably started thinking, “how is this helpful God? Pretty sure I’m literally dying of thirst!” But He was allowing that thirst so that they could turn to Him to quench it. God is going to let me get thirsty some times. He’s going to let me get hungry. He’s going to let people pursue me when my back is up against the wall and the only place to go is to ford a river. He’s going to allow those things so that He can quench my thirst, so that He can feed me, so that He can take me across on dry ground, and so that when my thirst is quenched, when my hunger is satisfied, and when I’ve set my feet on the other side of the river, I will do as the Israelites did- know Him, fear Him, and praise Him.
All of this tonight was like a feast. I expected to sit down with my Bible and maybe walk away with a few little crumbs that I’d put in my pocket and pull out sometime later. God probably listened to my thoughts and laughed and maybe even rolled His eyes as He set out a turkey dinner for me in His word. I left stuffed, so stuffed that well, just like it might happen when you eat too much, some of it came out of me. Or maybe a prettier picture would be to say that after you eat a great meal, what do you do? You talk about it of course! Especially to people that weren’t there! That’s why I had to get on here tonight and write this blog. And maybe, just maybe, my family all went to the snow together today so that I would sit down and take the time to feast and then to actually type this out. Is my Shepherd in charge of each step or not?